Father Knows Best!

 I was enjoying the great outdoors with my two precious'. I had some varnishing to do, and I raked out the flower gardens and got a jump start on the lawn.

Anyway, I was watching my two little girls thinking about my dream of having so many more of them. My thoughts went back to my most recent mountain and I realized, if I was pregnant right now, I would not have the energy to enjoy this beautiful day. I would not be able to get a jump start on my outside work because more than likely I would be sick laying on the couch. My little one would not be squealing with joy as her older sister throws dirt at her!

 God knows so much more than we can even begin to comprehend. He knew that I would be enjoying this day outside relishing in his creation. He knew that I needed yet another lesson to be taught to me.

So when my girls awake we will be embarking on yet another trip to the doctor. Same old thing, "Oh your young, it will happen to you again, at least your kids won't be that close, enjoy the two that you have" All words of wisdom from someone who, I believe, truly cares. However the hurt is still there and won't be forgotten all too soon. I can take comfort in knowing that my babies are in Jesus' arms where they are safe and well cared for. Until I see them, I will continue to live each day for the one who created me and gave me the beautiful family that I have to hold.

 "O LORD, you have examined my heart, and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up.You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.You see me when I travel and when I rest at home.You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. You go before me and follow me.You place your hand of blessing on my head.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day.Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! O God, if only you would destroy the wicked! Get out of my life, you murderers! They blaspheme you; your enemies misuse your name. O LORD, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you? Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you? Yes, I hate them with total hatred, for your enemies are my enemies.Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." Psalm 139

Remmeber When?

I like to play this game with myself and my husband every now and then.

Remember when we would stay up all night talking?
Remember when we would do anything just to see each other?
Remember when we dreamed about each other?
Remember when money wasn't an issue when going out to eat?
Remember dreaming about how wonderful it would be to be married?

I remember someone telling me when I was first married "Oh your just in the honeymoon stage, that will all wear off "

That is so wrong to tell someone, I believe we have grown together. Certainly we have matured (???). Sure our love is different, but I have the same feelings I had back then, in fact they are stronger now.

I remember a time when we were first married thinking that I was going to be able to change him. (only a little) He has never been a very affectionate man, and my love language is touch and feel. We grew up in very different homes when it came to affection. Anyway, I was determined that he was going to change because we were married now and I "deserved" all the affection he could give me.

Well, looking back I'm ashamed but it's all garbage now. (Don't touch that garbage) I would nag him and get truly upset with him. I was miserable in our marriage and drove him away because of my constant bickering and harsh words. I was demanding of him to the point where I think he would just give up. Nothing was good enough, I couldn't get enough of him no matter how hard he tried.

He wasn't home when he said so
He didn't show me any affection when he got home
He pulled away too fast when I hugged him

It's funny I thought it was him who needed to change, and I ran him dry all the time because of it. The reality was I just needed to accept him and love him for who he was. Period.

I still need the same affection that I always have. I don't think that will ever change. However what has changed is my attitude.

 I asked God to help, and we all know when we actually let God help... He will.

 He didn't, however, help in the way I thought he would. I never dreamed it was me in the wrong. I started letting God change my thought process, my words and the way I speak to him, my heart and love toward him.

I've noticed a change, but I'm not sure it's him. I don't know if he's more affectionate, or I'm just more patient and understanding of him, and the way God created him. Either way it is one of those lessons I've been learning the hard way.

God showed me my anger problem toward my husband, and how much it was effecting him. I had to, however, ask and be willing to let God do whatever he was going to do.

"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools." Ecclesiastes 7:9

I feel it was, and is a long process, but then again so is everything worth fighting for, and my marriage was worth it. Let God work in a troublesome area in your life! I know he wants to mold you, you just have to let him.

Rest (What's that?)

Rest!!!!


Well well, I'm not so sure about that. 

I mean sure I can lay down when, if, my girls lay down and take a nap. Quite often if I do that, however, I wake up feeling worse. Mostly cause usually the kids wake me up, and that's never fun when you are trying to get rested up.

How do you sleep when your children sleep at different times? How am I suppose to rest when they don't even rest themselves? Or worse yet, when I have a whole list of things to tackle for the day, and no time to do it?

"NO!! Your missing the point, you not getting it."

I mean true rest, the kind of rest that only comes through Jesus

Margaret Feinberg said "Your desire for rest will never match God's desire to give you rest. He longs to renew you!"

God's desire is to give us the kind of rest that will sustain us through our day. But, we have to come to him. We have to ask for it, and then continue to lean on him for the peace that he so longs to give us.

The peace, that we are in his hands. The peace, that he is in control and knows what's best for us. He knows What's not in my playbook!

So as hard as it is day in and day out, I can rest. Maybe not physically, but spiritually I can have rest in the Peace of God

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. " Philippians 4:7

Just Let Go!!!

"What is God telling you today?"

I was reading a piece someone posted today and this was asked at the end. It made me think about my present situation.

I believe God is telling me to "Just let go..."

Let go of this stress I have. Let go of this baby I'm holding too close. Let go of this group of girls I hold so dear. Those knots that are tied up in my stomach... let go of those too! Those words that I allow to pierce my heart, those definitely need to go.

"Just let go... you can not carry this load... but my arms are big enough."

God's arms are open wide to me and all that I hold. I can not control the outcome of anything in this world. Therefore I do not have any need to hold on to anything that I carry,

I tend to make it my "Job" to control my environment. Or worse, let my environment control me. I let myself get carried away with something that means nothing at all in the end.

I can only control myself, and sometimes I don't even think I can handle that much. God has put me in these shoes because I fit them. I need to allow God to direct my steps.

Let go and let God

The Beginings of an ameateur

I've Thought many times about starting a blog. Not really sure what help it could give me, but I've always enjoyed journaling. So if no one else reads this at least my thoughts are out for all to see.

I've struggled a lot lately. Since my most recent Miscarriage, i fear I'm border line depressed. I know the Lord has my children that I've lost in his hands, but I have a hard time letting go.

Everyone around me thinks I'm fine. And in reality i am, God will see me through. But I still hurt. Seems I'm finding out everyday new people that are Pregnant right around when I would be due with my precious.

I feel selfish even thinking these thoughts, because I have two very precious daughters sleeping in the next room. They are so amazing and I am a mom. Something I was once told I would never be. We struggled with infertility, just like many people I know. We have suffered Four miscarriages now.

 I know what it feels like to wait and wait and wait... only to be disapointed when my period comes once again. I know what it is like to buy those clothes on the clearance rack, when you are so very early in your pregnancy, thinking "my baby if it is a boy will fit in to this at the right time". Only to pack those clothes away feeling like you will never actually use them. I know what it feels like to hold a newborn baby of a friend so dear, knowing that my child would have been this old. I know what it feels like to look at a toddler and think "My baby would have been learning to do that too". I know what it feels like to wonder what our family would be like if i had not lost my child.

Is it me?
Do i deserve this?
Have I brought it on myself?

The answers to these questions are a resounding "NO" I know this. However somehow i keep asking them. somehow i think I'll get a different answer. The reality of it all is God will see me through. He has chosen me to experience this. I don't understand why, i don't believe I ever will, but i will take it day by day trusting that God will give me the strength that I need to master this mountain.

In Him