It's a long road!

"You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go"


Words to a song radiating through my radio. The same radio that hardly picks up any stations, and both the volume and the tuner knobs are ripped off (one of them is actually chewed off by my youngest).


You might say I had this tragic thing happen to me. I've had a bum foot for three weeks now, and was told by the doctor I have a long road ahead of me. Even more tragic than that, I let myself get depressed about my situation. I was feeling so tired...

Tired of the crutches...
Tired of the pain...
Tired physically, getting no sleep at night...
Tired of looking at my dirty house...
Tired of feeling helpless...
Tired of feeling like a burden to my husband...
Tired of sending my children away...


I let the enemy come into my heart and tell me all these lies

"Your helpless,"
"You're a burden to everyone around you,"
"Your husband does not want to help you,"
"You have no one,"
"Your foot is always going to hurt,"

All lies straight from the pit. This was another test that I had failed. Was I going to give it all to him? Was I ready to let go of the plans I had for this summer?

I had dreams of what our summer would be and none of them consisted of me being laid up on the couch. I failed to let God be the ThE TrUe ARtisT of my summer.

So here I sit so wrapped up in this song that is telling me to Just Let Go.

Listen to those things around you, God is in it all, and he wants to speak to us, after all Father knows best!

I think it's time to listen to my own words. I've stopped writing recently, and I feel like I'm loosing a part of me. God has given me a new zest, bear with me as I put the pieces back together.

The reason

There is that saying...

"The grass is always greener on the other side"

Seems I am always wanting what is just out of reach. I've witnessed that with my girls as well. Lately, they want to go outside, but when they are outside, they want to be in. That is a simple example, but you get the picture. We are so quick to look at what others have and want it. What we don't realize sometimes is that by wanting whatever they have, we are degrading what we already possess.

When I first got married I wanted a husband that was willing to help in the kitchen. Well, he was more than willing. He wanted to cook and bake, and stick his nose in every time something was on the menu. It didn't take long for me to get annoyed and just want a husband that ate my food instead of analyzed it. What I didn't realize, was that I was killing his desire to help. He no longer wanted any part of being in my kitchen, not because he didn't want to,  he felt unwanted and unappreciated.

It's hard to see a situation for what it is when we are facing it head on. Looking back, it is easy to say I would change the way I approached him, but at the time I just wanted things to go my way. However, when they did go my way, it wasn't enough.

God puts things in front of us for a reason. He gives us what we have for a purpose. Its not always easy to accept what God has in store for us. I have learned the art of taking one moment at a time. I have not perfected it, but it is a working progress. I find it's best to look at each moment for what it is, take a breath and keep going.

I keep thinking, "if only I could get this done, I would be satisfied," but I need to recognize that for what it is, a Lie!

Only Christ can satisfy me

 I can only do so much before I burn out.

I can only walk so much before I have this throbbing pain in my foot

...and there is a reason, I shouldn't wish for things to be different, because I would miss out on what God has to teach me.

Perfect and Beautiful

"I am who I am for a reason."

I tell myself this many times. With great difficulty, I think on this when I get upset with myself. I believe,with great sincerity, that it is extremely important for us to grow in our knowledge. Knowledge, not just of God's word and what he desires for us, but also in ourselves. I need to understand myself and how I tick.

What makes me upset?
What makes me laugh?
What things make me happy?
Why do I get so irritated?


and so on....

By doing this I am able to predict my own reactions to certain situations, and therefor prepare myself. I have found this extremely helpful, I find myself laughing at a situation instead of crying. I find myself more patient with my children when they do something wrong. I find myself being more positive about my current state.

There is a draw back though. Something I have to be careful with when I claim this statement. I can not use it as an excuse. I need to continue to grow from what I am going through. I can not settle, God has so much more for me. I can't justify my actions by claiming this statement.

It's true that God has made us a certain way for a reason. We have certain feelings, we are like no one else. We think differently than anyone else. We are so very unique, and we can not copy cat others. We are who God created us to be. Accepting that is hard, but so freeing all in the same thought.

I admit I am a complete head case at times, I would rather lash out than talk calmly. However, I have come to realize that lashing out is not good for my relationships. I still have that burning desire to lash out and it, most of the time, is for a good reason. But instead of lashing out, I can talk calmly, get a better reaction from others, and protect those around me.

God has instilled in me a great passion, a fire that can be harnessed and used for good instead evil. The devil knows I have this passion, and he wants me to fail. He wants me to lash out and tarnish, scar and ultimately ruin my relationships with those around me. It is a daily, moment to moment struggle at times.


With God anything is possible!!

Perhaps one of the hardest things for me to accept is not just that God made me like this for a reason, but that Everything he makes is perfect and beautiful!

Dirty floors!

Lily looks up at me "Mommy, the floor is dirty!" (I was proud and concerned at the same time)

"Yes lily, it is dirty, it needs to get swept!"

"Mommy gonna do it?"

"No Mommy can't do it, I can't sweep when my foot hurts like this."

"Yes you can!, I help"


She ran in the kitchen and came back with the broom and dust pan. " I'll do this mommy," she gave me the broom and she held the dust pan to the floor." The look on her face was awesome, I could tell she really wanted to help, and this was important to her.


"I don't know honey, I can only use one leg, this is going to be hard." I was really thinking, my foot hurt so bad I just wanted to sit and not risk bumping it again. But I also didn't want to disappoint my determined little girl.


"You can mommy, be careful." her little eyes shown with great concern as I started the task at hand.

We did what we could, certainly not a spick and span, but at least the piles of dirt were gone. (left from my husband's boots this morning)

I was almost in tears when we were done. Not because of the pain, but because of the kindness my almost three year old was showing, and how much she is growing up. I have seen her in a new light these past couple of days.

My heavenly father has the same desire to help me with my tasks at hand. I have to step out in faith, no matter how much it hurts. He wants to see me succeed, help me sweep up the mess I make of my life sometimes. He doesn't expect me to do the hard things by myself, he's right there beside me, cheering me on, holding me up and watching out for my best interests.
He carries me, when I don't think I can do it anymore!

A tale of a purple foot!

I'm sitting in a place that I do not want to be in, I'm sitting next to the man I love beyond words, I'm sitting across from these people who, if I was a judgmental person, I would be afraid of. I am feeling this incredible physical pain, I can hardly breathe. I'm thinking, "Its broken, for sure, I'm going to be in a cast for 6 weeks, my summer is ruined, how am I ever going to care for my girls, why this now?".

An hour goes by, and the nurse calls us in, she takes one look at it and says "Whoa, that looks like it hurts!" When she touched it, I wanted to smack her. The look on her face said it all, (I'm a mind reader, of course) I knew she was thinking it was broken for sure.

She took me to my room, Jeremy fell asleep and I just festered, and fretted, and got myself so worked up. I was believing my story, I was planning my funeral in my head (no quite, but you get the idea), my summer was over. My plans were ruined, I was going to loose my leg and be on crutches for the rest of my life.

I'm not even kidding this stuff was going through my head. My constant prayer was "Lord, I just want to keep my foot."

Just to clarify, I wasn't in danger of loosing my foot. It was three times the size it should be and it looked like I had spilled grape juice all over it. My husband, and I were putting kayaks away, after a fun afternoon with friends and our girls, and he proceeded to drop one of them on my foot. Hence, the over reaction and imaginative thinking.

In a nut shell I was feeling sorry for myself. Be careful what you pray for though, I've heard people say this, and I believed it and lived through it, but I don't think about this stuff until after the fact. 

Two hours later the doctor came in, "nothings broken, Yah!"

What! I wasn't loosing my foot? I wasn't going to be in a cast for 6 weeks? Then get it off only to find out it didn't heal right and then have it on for another 8 weeks? I wasn't going to die of boredom and gain 100 pounds sitting on my butt?

I did say one good thing since all this happened, "Praise the Lord!" I said, getting a nod from the doctor.

"It will be real sore for awhile yet, I'd stay off it completely for a few days, use the crutches until it feels good enough to put pressure on it. I imagine in a week you'll start to feel more comfortable."

I kid you not I think the smile on my face was so big my cheeks were going to burst. I was so excited I wanted to jump for joy (on one foot of course). I can handle one week.


Bible says, don't worry about tomorrow, today has enough of it's own worries. 

I was so concerned about what I was going to do with my broken foot, I never took any pain killers for my bruised foot. God is constantly reminding me to live for the moment. It's not bad to plan ahead, but I can't loose site of what is right in front of me. Here and now, "take it one step at a time", My husband always says.
"...We are a vapor, you are eternal..."
Words to a song that is on my mind a lot. We are a vapor in the span of time, our children are young and impressionable for only a fraction of a vapor.  What matters is this day, this hour and this moment right now!

A beautiful singer

"Building up the temple," that was her choice song today. I truly enjoy her when she is a good, cute, respectful child (I know its hard to believe, but she is not always like that.) She was sitting on the couch singing to her dolly. I loved the sound, and the picture so much I think I was staring at her. (good thing she didn't notice, she defiantly would have stopped.)

God's Day!!!

Bear with me as It's been awhile since I wrote. I just got my computer back and am trying to collect all my thoughts together for my blogs.

Another beautiful day, it was a shame we had to spend part of it in town instead of at home outside. However, this was the only day this week we could be out. I have to say, I was a grump. The morning had just not been what I wanted it to be, we were late getting up, late getting ready. Now we were in town later than I wanted to be, on this beautiful day. Needless to say, I was in a rush, I wanted to get home and enjoy MY day.

Twenty twenty vision

I was searching through one of my many cook books and came across a wonderful, meaningful quote, I would like to share

"If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it. He'll either lighten your load or strengthen your back!"

Stay still

She is just wiggling and squirming. She smells so horrible and I desperately need to change her.

The choice!

I knew it was going to be a struggle. I knew the conversation was going to go where I didn't want it to go. No matter how hard I tried to control it, those who I cared about so much, were ripping open my not so healed wounds. I had a choice, I could wallow in my own self pity and have myself a horrible time; or I could put a smile on and pray though the evening, being careful not to let my face show the deep pain I was feeling.

Love

As I'm lying in bed, I'm thinking... "time to start my day, time to get up before the girls..."

I feel I've been going through a valley recently, so something simple as getting out of bed is really hard. My thoughts wander and my quiet time is diminishing. It's amazing to me how difficult and crippling some situations can be. Some things just consume my thoughts and its a constant struggle to keep my head clear of those awful things.

Finding significance Part 2

Once again I find myself wondering, what it is God has for me? What is my purpose? Where can I find my significance?

I wake up grumpy thinking, what is it today? What are they going to fight over? Am I going to get any of my house work done? Am I going to have any time for myself?

A tug on my fraile heart!

I had so much to say.... so much to vent..... but everything I was saying was being taken the wrong way. I was being misunderstood no matter what I said.

Love beyond my wildest dreams

With Good Friday on my mind, all I can think about is Love.

 Do I really know what love means? Do I have the right to say that I love?

Daddy, Daddy!!

Hearing my daughter call "daddy.... daddy.....Hey..... daddy."
She has so many questions, so many little tidbits and comments. He is so patient with her, answering her questions, includes her, talks to her, affirms her.

Typical two year old, we have the why's, the whats? and defiantly the No!'s.  She asks the same questions over and over again after we've already answered her.

Now, I am naturally an impatient person. If I have to tell her more than once, my insides get all knotted up.

I am so grateful my heavenly father is not like me. He is patient. He sits and waits for me to come to him. It doesn't matter how many times I ask him, he answers. It doesn't matter how long it takes me to get it, if I seek him, he will be patient. He affirms me, and talks sweet to me. All he asks for in return, is faith in him and the willingness to follow after him.

"Cast all your cares upon me......."

There is always more steps to be taken!!

I've given up coaxing her to walk, sure she takes a few steps, but only to come to me. She really doesn't venture out much. Seems to me, my daughter can walk just fine, she has pretty decent balance. However, I do believe she simply lacks the courage.

She has all the tools she needs. Sturdy legs, the desire of her heart, examples to follow all around her, and the knowledge of putting one foot in front of the other. She does however, lack the courage to let go.

I know she will wake up one morning and decide, today is the day. That is what free will is all about after all. We have the ability to decide what, where and when we will do what we want. God has given us that right, with certain responsibilities of course.

Another lesson in God equipping his people. God has given me everything I need to accomplish all he has in store for me. I don't believe I know what that all entails, however I also know that I can never stop seeking after what God has in mind for me. Growing in the lord should be a constant in our life. There is always more to learn, more steps to be taken.

"Later Jesus appeared to the eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen him after he had risen. He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak  in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on the sick people, and they will get well." Mark 16: 14-18

 He makes it clear I must go. I believe "the world" is different for everyone, but we must not be silent. God has given us the knowledge and the tools to follow through with what he asks. When god reveals his plans to me, I must step out and have faith that God is with me. 

 I must have the courage to step away from my comfort zone, and use the knowledge he has bestowed upon me.

God showers (blessing 4)

So many blessings to even count
Blessing #4

My girls' personality

God has given me two very different girls. I laugh at them (with), I cry with them. I Holler at them. One of them I holler at because she is just like me, the other is just like her father. Sometimes it is so hard to just be thankful for the people that they are. God has given them to me for a purpose. I may not know what that purpose is, but I will spend my life learning what it is. They are a gift to be treasured and enjoyed, its only a short time!

God showers (blessing #3)

So many showers, not enough pictures
Blessing #3

Opportunity for my children

My children will never lack in opportunity. We have so many around us providing us with the ability to teach our children and show them new things.

Searching for significance!

Recently I was at a gathering of distant relatives, I was talking with a distant Aunt...

"So you don't work right? you just stay home,"

Just.... Just....

Oh my blood started to boil
Ok Lord give me loving words toward this women who clearly does not agree with me staying home and caring for my children.

"Yes I stay home with our children," Phew I even had a sweet tone and a smile Thank you Lord
Oh, but she wasn't done yet

"Aren't you afraid they will become unsocial?"

"No, my girls are very social,"

"Don't you get stir crazy?"

"No, I love being home with my girls, God has blessed us, I'm grateful I can stay home."

"I hope your husband doesn't rule over you!!"

Ok I was really getting sick of this, I needed someone to intervene, this women was aggravating me. Just then, almost like he heard his name called, Jeremy came over

"I'm gonna head over and get the girls honey," He gave me a kiss on the cheek and headed for the door. Not before giving my aunt a hug and telling her we should get together again soon.

I just looked at her with a big smile and walked away. I love my husband, he proves my family wrong time and time again.

I believe I am so very lucky to have my husband. He does every thing in his power to make sure we are taken care of. I never wanted to work after we got married. I did, until we had kids and even some after Lily was born. He enjoys having me home, and I love it.

Recently I told someone that my home is my ministry. I didn't really know at the time where those words came from, but they are so true.

My home is my job. My kids are in my care. I don't miss any part of their young lives, because I am with them through it. They come to me with all their boo boos. I am their teacher, their model, their friend and their guide. I am their road to God's saving grace, through example and teaching. I have the opportunity to mold their souls while they are young.

I am lucky and count myself blessed to have the opportunity to raise my children, and see them everyday. God has put a stir in my soul to be home, with my kids. He is equipping me more and more eveyday for the calling he has put on me.

Some days I think I'm not doing anything significant for Christ. Teaching my children is the greatest significance I can ask for. They count on me, love me, and need me. God has given them to me, if I push them to the side, it's as if I am pushing Christ. I am called to serve my family, even if that is dishes and laundry.

Seems there were too many obstacles I let get in my way of God's calling in my life. God has given me my purpose, I would encourage you to bask in God's purpose for you. He has called all of us to something. We must grab a hold of his calling and trust God to enable us, because He will.

God Showers (blessing 2)

In no particular order of course:
Blessing #2

My family picture

We aren't always looking the right way. We aren't always smiling. We aren't always at our best. But we are together. We have each other. We were put together only by God's hands. I am truly thankful to say "this is my family"