Monday, July 9, 2012


I was so looking forward to getting away from the everyday. We rented a camper and for a whole week, we enjoyed the great outdoors. I thought "getting away" was going to solve my problem. Help ease the pain, that is so deep I wasn't even for sure I knew all that was there.

So, I made a camp fire (by far the best part of camping, even during the day). I remember as a teen I always did my best thinking by a campfire. I sat curled up with my bible, ready to hear what my father had to say. I did this all week and I came home feeling high. I thought that was just what I needed, a week to get away.

NO! What I needed was to be completely open to God and his teaching. Getting away from my everyday wasn't what made my pain subside. Seeking Christ and is purpose for all my pain, that is what made me feel better.

Coming home was an eye opener. Seems something so little as looking at my calender brings back all too well my relentless feelings of helplessness, and complete and utter failure.

I quickly learned that I can't run away, all my pain was there.

I felt the Lord tell me:

"Be faithful in the little things and I will give you the strength in the big things."

The little things huh? Did that include looking at my calender and seeing dates I was dreading? Yes. Does that include holding those babies I have been dreading holding? Yes. Does that mean talking about all that "stuff" that is buried inside this heart of mine? Yes.

If I do this and more than when those days come, God will give me the strength I know I won't have.

So today I am updating my calender for the first time in five months.

The next time I see a baby I'm going to steal it away from its mother (I'll give it back of course).

I am finally going to bring to light all that sadness in a post I've been dreading. (Bear with me this may take me a while)

I know these next couple months will be hard. I also know that God is a God of healing and he's on my side!!