Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I will run to you (once again)

Once again my thoughts are shifting toward those topics that we just don't discuss. There are feelings and emotions that are so raw no amount of words can help heal. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get past the grief. No matter how much time I have, it will always slap me in the face. Just when I think I have it together, those are the moments my face hurts from the slap I wasn't expecting. In those moments when I'm still trying to grasp onto what just happened, I know, somewhere deep inside there is healing taking place. One day I pray my pain won't be so bad. I do pray, however that I never forget. I never want to forget these days, I never will forget these moments that I needed to be carried. Like this aching in my foot reminds me of how fragile my body is, I pray my heart will ache as a reminder of the lose I suffer everyday.

A very dear friend recently told me I am grieving. I wasn't really sure how to put my feelings into words. But she did, she knew what was embedded deep inside. She could identify with my emotions. She didn't tell me I need to get over it. She didn't tell me to be thankful for what I had. She didn't tell me that she knew what I was going through. She didn't try and out feel me. She didn't feed me that spiritual lingo so many others think is comforting. She didn't cliche my situation. I was a person with ligitament feelings and I deserved to be treated like I matter. She just listened and shed those tears for me that I can't seem to let come. She validated me and put her own trials aside to listen to my heart. She prayed with me. She knew I needed prayer more than anything. She knew that I knew all that she was going to tell me, so she didn't try to comfort me with words. She was my angel.

I heard a song today, seems I've been hearing alot of songs lately. Sometimes lyrics really speak to me This song by Kari Jobe really summed up my feelings today:

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us

There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You’re here, You’re real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You ’cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand

 Each and every moment
What’s good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan

You are here, You’re real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You ’cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

And I will run to You
I’ll find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You ’cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand

Who are you running to?

Monday, July 30, 2012

A not so peachy morning (for good reason)

What was supose to be a productive, yet uneventful day, has really turned out to be an eye opener and full of scary surprises.

  • First, surprise I actually rolled out if bed early this morning, ready to start by very busy day. I knew I had peaches, blueberries, zucchini, and beans all to do in this one day. I proceeded to clean up my kitchen from a very fun evening with a few friends. 

  • Second surprise, I could not find my regular mouth canning lids to do up my peaches. But that was ok cause I would just use my wide mouth jars,

  • Third surprise, I don't have wide mouth quarts, only pints. I already made the decision that I needed to do up my peaches in quarts this year. OK, well we will walk down to millers when the girls wake up and get those lids so we can start up.

  • Fourth surprise, Breia did not wake up until almost 10. They are still recovering from the week away on vacation. So we started down to millers, later than planned,(at least that was uneventful). On the way back we stopped and visited with neighbors.

  • Fifth surprise, Lily was in a really bad mood, she screamed and hollered the whole way home from our neighbors house. We got ourselves back in the house (kicking and screaming,mind you) hoping to get started on my peaches. 

  • Sixth surprise, I did not clean all the grease off our stove from last night. I put a dutch oven of water on the stove to boil so I could peel the peaches. I walked away for a minute and returned to FLAMES!!

I didn't realize all I did to save my kitchen until after I accessed the damage. I remember taking the kids outside first. Then I came back and took the water that was in the dutch oven and poured it over the flames. This did a good job of slowing down the fire, but it was still blazing. I ripped down the curtains that were already engulfed and stomped in them. I threw the paper towels that were on fire into the water that was all over the floor. then I proceeded to throw cups of water on the remaining flames. I do remember I didn't stop pouring water on it until it wasn't smoking anymore.

After I knew my kitchen was safe again I went outside and sat on the porch. All my emotions came at once. I was frustrated, scared and so very thankful. All this only took a few moments, my girls had hardly known I left them outside. We went and spent time with neighbors until the smoke cleared out of the house. .
I am so thankful for Gods protection in the whole situation. 
I am grateful I could trust my girls to stay outside where I put them to play
I am grateful I was trying to boil water, pouring that over really helped.
I am grateful for my reaction time, I can't imagine how much we could have lost
I am grateful for the wisdom God gave me in my time of need. 
I am so thankful for neighbors that are there when I need them
I am so thankful I didn't have those lids, if I had tried to start my peaches earlier (when I had planned) I would have had to wake the girls up and leave because the smoke was too thick I did not want to stay in the house. I wouldn't have had a place to go with two very grumpy girls that early in the morning.

Once again, God is showing me that he is in control. He knows what he is doing and he will reveal to me his plan when I am ready to accept it. His timing is perfect. If I give him the day that is ahead of me, he will guide me and protect me in the ways that I need to be protected. (not in the ways I think I need him). So many times I think I am just waiting for nothing. But God's promise is that he will be there. When I am waiting on him, he will honor that. He will take care of all my needs. I matter to him, I can trust that he will make me smile when I need it the most. 

I really did not know what I was doing when I did it, I only know from looking around after it was all over. Proof that my heavenly father was watching over me this day. Proof that God wanted to show me that if I will trust him, he will guide me. He was in my hands and feet, he was in the water that killed the fire, he was watching my children when I could not, he was in my head when I didn't know what to do.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

A resounding promise I must cling to!!

Carpel tunnel I knew, but now thumb tendonitis? My writing is coming to an abrupt halt. It has been a tremedous comfort to journal and blog about what God is teaching me. These past five months I've been working on my story, writing everything down, and was even considering taking up a writing course. I find writing keeps this life's journey in perspective.
Is this another "NO" from the Lord? Is this another "slow down, you can't keep going like this"?  Or is this just another obstacle put in front of me to over come?

My short story is finally making sense and I have to limit my writing. My daily devotions are flourishing, so why now? My healing is progressing, will I start sliding back down if I can't write as much? I feel closer to my creator when I'm writing so why is it being taken away from me? Is it really being taken away from me, or is this the enemy trying to discourage my progress?

I know God has a plan and I know everything will fall into its perfect place. And so I seek and search for the right words and the solution that will carry me through.

Jeremiah 29:10-14

"This is what the Lord says: " When seventy years are completed for Babylon I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek  me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Friday, July 20, 2012

Joyful choice!

I don't really feel like I come in contact with too many different people. Most of the time I see the same three people every day. When I do come in contact with certain individuals, it seems to really affect me. So this lady was about as miserable as can be. We were just not doing anything to please her and really weren't trying all too hard either because we knew it just didn't matter. She was yelling and just being nasty to us and I thought wow to live that miserable.

Ya know my natural tendency is to react, but when I see people that miserable it reminds me to think before I react. We only have this moment. We are not promised the next so I need to remember that there are certain things that just don't matter. My kids don't need to see me upset with things that don't matter. I don't want to leave that kind of impact on others, even on a smaller scale. Living this life being that miserable will only make others around us miserable and just ruin the joy in our everyday living. No way we were intended to have a bad attitude in general.

There are times when I feel that being miserable is justified. But my attitude is a choice and I will decide to delight in my savior. I want those around me to see the joy I have in Christ!

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Protect them, so all who love your name may be filled with joy Psalm 5:11

Monday, July 9, 2012

Nice, Neat Rows

I finally got a good look at my garden this year, I got down and dirty today weeding it out. As I was scanning the plants I had to smile at the odd plants coming up not in the rows where they were originally planted. See, right after I planted the garden my husband set up the sprinkler to water it (right on top of the hill where I planted my beets... needless to say I have almost no beets). Well... the sprinkler proceeded to topple over causing a stream of water to wash out my lettuce, beets and some carrots. So now I have lettuce in random spots in the garden and carrots are popping up in my beans, and in between the rows. Only a few beets survived and they are mixed in with my lettuce.

My first thought upon seeing it several weeks ago was,
"When my foot is better and I get to weeding, I'll just pluck them all up so it looks all nice and neat."

As I stood there and looked, I realized, that as funny as this garden looks, it is fully functional. A small part of it may be random and its really hard to walk around all the plants, but I will still get a good crop this year. My vegetable garden will thrive regardless of how it looks.

I had a thought... I don't really look all that great some days either. I may not have it all together, and I may not have all my "ducks in a row." If I'm willing, however, and my roots are solid, I can produce fruit no matter I messed up I may look on the outside.


I was so looking forward to getting away from the everyday. We rented a camper and for a whole week, we enjoyed the great outdoors. I thought "getting away" was going to solve my problem. Help ease the pain, that is so deep I wasn't even for sure I knew all that was there.

So, I made a camp fire (by far the best part of camping, even during the day). I remember as a teen I always did my best thinking by a campfire. I sat curled up with my bible, ready to hear what my father had to say. I did this all week and I came home feeling high. I thought that was just what I needed, a week to get away.

NO! What I needed was to be completely open to God and his teaching. Getting away from my everyday wasn't what made my pain subside. Seeking Christ and is purpose for all my pain, that is what made me feel better.

Friday, June 29, 2012

A prisoner of sadness and pain

It's truly amazing to me how I can go most days living somewhat content with where God has me, and in a moments time all that seems like a distant memory. In a split second of time my mind is focused on all the pain and sadness. All in one instant I'm a selfish pile of slump, barely putting one foot in front of the other.

It is in these times I am so grateful for a God who cares. I am so thankful God has imbedded inside of me the desire to seek him in these hard times. I wish I had more faith and sought him immediately, but I suppose I'm a working progress in that respect.

I sat and prayed that what ever I read I could find some kind of comfort.

"So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God,
who has saved us and called us to a holy life- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,
but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.
And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher.
That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day."
2 Timothy 1: 8-12

So what is it that I have entrusted to him?

Forgive me Lord, for I have not entrusted my entire being to you this day. I let my sadness cloud my thoughts!

I don't know why I feel what I feel, I don't know why days have to be so hard. But I know God is bigger, and I don't have to rise above the pile of slump all by myself. I have a God I can trust in. A God who sees my pain and feels it before I do.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

How big are we really?

Jeremy and I enjoy watching this station that has alot of shows on history and creation (non biblical) and there was a show that had NASA scientists on talking about recent discoveries.These NASA Scientists are discovering new things about our galaxy, and even that there are many new Galaxys they don't even know exist.

On this show they were talking about Dark Matter. At first it creeped me out, sounded like they were talking about something evil. The reality was they didn't seem to know what it was themselves, they just had to give it a name. Basically this matter makes up 70% of our galaxy and they don't know what it is.

We also get this creation magazine and it has so many awesome stories in it. Scientists focused the Hubble telescope on one part of the sky that was dark, and let it focus for several days. After the time was up, they discovered that in that small spot there were ten thousand new Galaxys.

Also, scientists were researching the size of the galaxy and they had a theory saying that with the big bang happening, at some point the galaxy should be closing in on itself. However, that theory got blown to bits when they discovered it is actually growing at an even more rapid rate than before.

Made me smile and I think it makes God smile when he sees us trying to figure out his creation and I think he loves to stump those people we think are the smartest on earth. I truly think God has given these men and women job security with his creation. 

I think it amazing  when I look at God's smallest creatures, but the Galaxys? Wow, I'm in awe when I think of how big God's creation is, and how much bigger his is than all that he created.

I think the key to being in a place where God can use me, is in realizing just how small I really am in comparison to his entire creation. He hand made everything our scientists are still discovering(and will always try to understand). Yet, he made me in his image, he made me for a special purpose, for a higher calling. How many times do I question? How many times do I demand to know?

I should know by now, that a God that can create all this, surely knows whats best for me. So I will trust, I will follow him, and to the best of my ability, I will live my life pleasing to him.

Even the lady bugs!

"Mommy, Mommy, come quick, look... look,"

I hobbled my way over to where Lily was pointing, frantically, at the ground.

"It is a biigg lady bug mommy,"

Indeed it was a big lady bug. I know a couple that use to live in a house that would get overrun by ladybugs every year. Needless to say I'm not a fan of them in large quantities. I have to say though, I don't think I've ever seen one this large, it was fascinating. We were all bent down watching it and lily stood up,

"Mommy, where it come from?"

"Well honey, God made lady bugs, just like he made everything else in nature,"

"And me mommy?"

"Yes, and you." My heart grew for her, she has been learning so much.

"What are they for mommy?"

"I don't know what lady bugs do lily, but everything God creates has a purpose, even if we don't know what that is."

I got up and sat on the steps and watched as the girls ohhed and ahhed over this creature so small, yet so important in their eyes. Breia kept pointing at it saying,

"That eiee, That?"

I love it when she asks her big sister questions, its so heart warming.

"That's a lady bug, Bee,"

Breia did her little cooing thing that she does when she gets her answer and Lily went on...

"God made all this..." she was waving all around her now

"Even the lady bugs, mommy says so bee."

"Even the lady bugs," Such a profound statement, God created everything, even the lady bugs. Leave it to my daughter to have me realizing once again how marvelous God is.

He created me for this world, he designed me with his own hands. I've had a lot of time recently to just sit and marvel at what God has created. Everything has a purpose and, it is just all so wonderful. Have you ever just sat and thought how the tiniest creatures have their purpose? He created them to do work. They were created knowing what to do and how to do it. I think of how this world functions, right down to the smallest detail. God did that. I think it's easy to think how wonderful God's creation is, and forget that I was created in his image. How much more beautiful and amazing am I? He took special care in creating me. Who am I to judge or dis credit his creation.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Taking the reins!

Funny how things seem to work out, I would like to think I have something to do with it, but I know its all God.

I had the opportunity to ride in the big rig with Jeremy for the first time in almost two years. The girls have been staying at my mother's on and off on account it is so hard for me to get around. I knew it would be difficult to ride in the rig, but I also knew I needed this time with my husband, we don't get the chance to be alone... ever.

Anyway, I rode around with him for several hours and we came across a few Amish Buggys in our travels around Lewis county. Well, Jeremy knew the horses could get spooked as we drove by them, so he slowed down and eased passed them, hoping it would keep them from bucking. He was right, I could tell from far off that she was nervous already, she must have heard us. She had blinders on so she couldn't see us until we were right next to her. As we eased by her, she kept trying to turn so she could keep her eye on us. I was amazed at how spooked she was, for a moment she had no trust in her master, no trust in her lead. All she could think about was this big scary looking thing that was passing her. I watched even after we were by her she was nervous. Almost like she couldn't shake us off, she couldn't stop think about how much we had scared her.

Monday, June 11, 2012

It's a long road!

"You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go"

Words to a song radiating through my radio. The same radio that hardly picks up any stations, and both the volume and the tuner knobs are ripped off (one of them is actually chewed off by my youngest).

You might say I had this tragic thing happen to me. I've had a bum foot for three weeks now, and was told by the doctor I have a long road ahead of me. Even more tragic than that, I let myself get depressed about my situation. I was feeling so tired...

Tired of the crutches...
Tired of the pain...
Tired physically, getting no sleep at night...
Tired of looking at my dirty house...
Tired of feeling helpless...
Tired of feeling like a burden to my husband...
Tired of sending my children away...

I let the enemy come into my heart and tell me all these lies

"Your helpless,"
"You're a burden to everyone around you,"
"Your husband does not want to help you,"
"You have no one,"
"Your foot is always going to hurt,"

All lies straight from the pit. This was another test that I had failed. Was I going to give it all to him? Was I ready to let go of the plans I had for this summer?

I had dreams of what our summer would be and none of them consisted of me being laid up on the couch. I failed to let God be the ThE TrUe ARtisT of my summer.

So here I sit so wrapped up in this song that is telling me to Just Let Go.

Listen to those things around you, God is in it all, and he wants to speak to us, after all Father knows best!

I think it's time to listen to my own words. I've stopped writing recently, and I feel like I'm loosing a part of me. God has given me a new zest, bear with me as I put the pieces back together.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The reason

There is that saying...

"The grass is always greener on the other side"

Seems I am always wanting what is just out of reach. I've witnessed that with my girls as well. Lately, they want to go outside, but when they are outside, they want to be in. That is a simple example, but you get the picture. We are so quick to look at what others have and want it. What we don't realize sometimes is that by wanting whatever they have, we are degrading what we already possess.

When I first got married I wanted a husband that was willing to help in the kitchen. Well, he was more than willing. He wanted to cook and bake, and stick his nose in every time something was on the menu. It didn't take long for me to get annoyed and just want a husband that ate my food instead of analyzed it. What I didn't realize, was that I was killing his desire to help. He no longer wanted any part of being in my kitchen, not because he didn't want to,  he felt unwanted and unappreciated.

It's hard to see a situation for what it is when we are facing it head on. Looking back, it is easy to say I would change the way I approached him, but at the time I just wanted things to go my way. However, when they did go my way, it wasn't enough.

God puts things in front of us for a reason. He gives us what we have for a purpose. Its not always easy to accept what God has in store for us. I have learned the art of taking one moment at a time. I have not perfected it, but it is a working progress. I find it's best to look at each moment for what it is, take a breath and keep going.

I keep thinking, "if only I could get this done, I would be satisfied," but I need to recognize that for what it is, a Lie!

Only Christ can satisfy me

 I can only do so much before I burn out.

I can only walk so much before I have this throbbing pain in my foot

...and there is a reason, I shouldn't wish for things to be different, because I would miss out on what God has to teach me.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Perfect and Beautiful

"I am who I am for a reason."

I tell myself this many times. With great difficulty, I think on this when I get upset with myself. I believe,with great sincerity, that it is extremely important for us to grow in our knowledge. Knowledge, not just of God's word and what he desires for us, but also in ourselves. I need to understand myself and how I tick.

What makes me upset?
What makes me laugh?
What things make me happy?
Why do I get so irritated?

and so on....

By doing this I am able to predict my own reactions to certain situations, and therefor prepare myself. I have found this extremely helpful, I find myself laughing at a situation instead of crying. I find myself more patient with my children when they do something wrong. I find myself being more positive about my current state.

There is a draw back though. Something I have to be careful with when I claim this statement. I can not use it as an excuse. I need to continue to grow from what I am going through. I can not settle, God has so much more for me. I can't justify my actions by claiming this statement.

It's true that God has made us a certain way for a reason. We have certain feelings, we are like no one else. We think differently than anyone else. We are so very unique, and we can not copy cat others. We are who God created us to be. Accepting that is hard, but so freeing all in the same thought.

I admit I am a complete head case at times, I would rather lash out than talk calmly. However, I have come to realize that lashing out is not good for my relationships. I still have that burning desire to lash out and it, most of the time, is for a good reason. But instead of lashing out, I can talk calmly, get a better reaction from others, and protect those around me.

God has instilled in me a great passion, a fire that can be harnessed and used for good instead evil. The devil knows I have this passion, and he wants me to fail. He wants me to lash out and tarnish, scar and ultimately ruin my relationships with those around me. It is a daily, moment to moment struggle at times.

With God anything is possible!!

Perhaps one of the hardest things for me to accept is not just that God made me like this for a reason, but that Everything he makes is perfect and beautiful!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Dirty floors!

Lily looks up at me "Mommy, the floor is dirty!" (I was proud and concerned at the same time)

"Yes lily, it is dirty, it needs to get swept!"

"Mommy gonna do it?"

"No Mommy can't do it, I can't sweep when my foot hurts like this."

"Yes you can!, I help"

She ran in the kitchen and came back with the broom and dust pan. " I'll do this mommy," she gave me the broom and she held the dust pan to the floor." The look on her face was awesome, I could tell she really wanted to help, and this was important to her.

"I don't know honey, I can only use one leg, this is going to be hard." I was really thinking, my foot hurt so bad I just wanted to sit and not risk bumping it again. But I also didn't want to disappoint my determined little girl.

"You can mommy, be careful." her little eyes shown with great concern as I started the task at hand.

We did what we could, certainly not a spick and span, but at least the piles of dirt were gone. (left from my husband's boots this morning)

I was almost in tears when we were done. Not because of the pain, but because of the kindness my almost three year old was showing, and how much she is growing up. I have seen her in a new light these past couple of days.

My heavenly father has the same desire to help me with my tasks at hand. I have to step out in faith, no matter how much it hurts. He wants to see me succeed, help me sweep up the mess I make of my life sometimes. He doesn't expect me to do the hard things by myself, he's right there beside me, cheering me on, holding me up and watching out for my best interests.
He carries me, when I don't think I can do it anymore!

A tale of a purple foot!

I'm sitting in a place that I do not want to be in, I'm sitting next to the man I love beyond words, I'm sitting across from these people who, if I was a judgmental person, I would be afraid of. I am feeling this incredible physical pain, I can hardly breathe. I'm thinking, "Its broken, for sure, I'm going to be in a cast for 6 weeks, my summer is ruined, how am I ever going to care for my girls, why this now?".

An hour goes by, and the nurse calls us in, she takes one look at it and says "Whoa, that looks like it hurts!" When she touched it, I wanted to smack her. The look on her face said it all, (I'm a mind reader, of course) I knew she was thinking it was broken for sure.

She took me to my room, Jeremy fell asleep and I just festered, and fretted, and got myself so worked up. I was believing my story, I was planning my funeral in my head (no quite, but you get the idea), my summer was over. My plans were ruined, I was going to loose my leg and be on crutches for the rest of my life.

I'm not even kidding this stuff was going through my head. My constant prayer was "Lord, I just want to keep my foot."

Just to clarify, I wasn't in danger of loosing my foot. It was three times the size it should be and it looked like I had spilled grape juice all over it. My husband, and I were putting kayaks away, after a fun afternoon with friends and our girls, and he proceeded to drop one of them on my foot. Hence, the over reaction and imaginative thinking.

In a nut shell I was feeling sorry for myself. Be careful what you pray for though, I've heard people say this, and I believed it and lived through it, but I don't think about this stuff until after the fact. 

Two hours later the doctor came in, "nothings broken, Yah!"

What! I wasn't loosing my foot? I wasn't going to be in a cast for 6 weeks? Then get it off only to find out it didn't heal right and then have it on for another 8 weeks? I wasn't going to die of boredom and gain 100 pounds sitting on my butt?

I did say one good thing since all this happened, "Praise the Lord!" I said, getting a nod from the doctor.

"It will be real sore for awhile yet, I'd stay off it completely for a few days, use the crutches until it feels good enough to put pressure on it. I imagine in a week you'll start to feel more comfortable."

I kid you not I think the smile on my face was so big my cheeks were going to burst. I was so excited I wanted to jump for joy (on one foot of course). I can handle one week.

Bible says, don't worry about tomorrow, today has enough of it's own worries. 

I was so concerned about what I was going to do with my broken foot, I never took any pain killers for my bruised foot. God is constantly reminding me to live for the moment. It's not bad to plan ahead, but I can't loose site of what is right in front of me. Here and now, "take it one step at a time", My husband always says.
"...We are a vapor, you are eternal..."
Words to a song that is on my mind a lot. We are a vapor in the span of time, our children are young and impressionable for only a fraction of a vapor.  What matters is this day, this hour and this moment right now!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

A beautiful singer

"Building up the temple," that was her choice song today. I truly enjoy her when she is a good, cute, respectful child (I know its hard to believe, but she is not always like that.) She was sitting on the couch singing to her dolly. I loved the sound, and the picture so much I think I was staring at her. (good thing she didn't notice, she defiantly would have stopped.)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

God's Day!!!

Bear with me as It's been awhile since I wrote. I just got my computer back and am trying to collect all my thoughts together for my blogs.

Another beautiful day, it was a shame we had to spend part of it in town instead of at home outside. However, this was the only day this week we could be out. I have to say, I was a grump. The morning had just not been what I wanted it to be, we were late getting up, late getting ready. Now we were in town later than I wanted to be, on this beautiful day. Needless to say, I was in a rush, I wanted to get home and enjoy MY day.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Twenty twenty vision

I was searching through one of my many cook books and came across a wonderful, meaningful quote, I would like to share

"If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it. He'll either lighten your load or strengthen your back!"

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Stay still

She is just wiggling and squirming. She smells so horrible and I desperately need to change her.

Friday, April 20, 2012

The choice!

I knew it was going to be a struggle. I knew the conversation was going to go where I didn't want it to go. No matter how hard I tried to control it, those who I cared about so much, were ripping open my not so healed wounds. I had a choice, I could wallow in my own self pity and have myself a horrible time; or I could put a smile on and pray though the evening, being careful not to let my face show the deep pain I was feeling.

Thursday, April 19, 2012


As I'm lying in bed, I'm thinking... "time to start my day, time to get up before the girls..."

I feel I've been going through a valley recently, so something simple as getting out of bed is really hard. My thoughts wander and my quiet time is diminishing. It's amazing to me how difficult and crippling some situations can be. Some things just consume my thoughts and its a constant struggle to keep my head clear of those awful things.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Finding significance Part 2

Once again I find myself wondering, what it is God has for me? What is my purpose? Where can I find my significance?

I wake up grumpy thinking, what is it today? What are they going to fight over? Am I going to get any of my house work done? Am I going to have any time for myself?

Monday, April 9, 2012

A tug on my fraile heart!

I had so much to say.... so much to vent..... but everything I was saying was being taken the wrong way. I was being misunderstood no matter what I said.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Love beyond my wildest dreams

With Good Friday on my mind, all I can think about is Love.

 Do I really know what love means? Do I have the right to say that I love?

Daddy, Daddy!!

Hearing my daughter call "daddy.... daddy.....Hey..... daddy."
She has so many questions, so many little tidbits and comments. He is so patient with her, answering her questions, includes her, talks to her, affirms her.

Typical two year old, we have the why's, the whats? and defiantly the No!'s.  She asks the same questions over and over again after we've already answered her.

Now, I am naturally an impatient person. If I have to tell her more than once, my insides get all knotted up.

I am so grateful my heavenly father is not like me. He is patient. He sits and waits for me to come to him. It doesn't matter how many times I ask him, he answers. It doesn't matter how long it takes me to get it, if I seek him, he will be patient. He affirms me, and talks sweet to me. All he asks for in return, is faith in him and the willingness to follow after him.

"Cast all your cares upon me......."

Monday, April 2, 2012

There is always more steps to be taken!!

I've given up coaxing her to walk, sure she takes a few steps, but only to come to me. She really doesn't venture out much. Seems to me, my daughter can walk just fine, she has pretty decent balance. However, I do believe she simply lacks the courage.

She has all the tools she needs. Sturdy legs, the desire of her heart, examples to follow all around her, and the knowledge of putting one foot in front of the other. She does however, lack the courage to let go.

I know she will wake up one morning and decide, today is the day. That is what free will is all about after all. We have the ability to decide what, where and when we will do what we want. God has given us that right, with certain responsibilities of course.

Another lesson in God equipping his people. God has given me everything I need to accomplish all he has in store for me. I don't believe I know what that all entails, however I also know that I can never stop seeking after what God has in mind for me. Growing in the lord should be a constant in our life. There is always more to learn, more steps to be taken.

"Later Jesus appeared to the eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen him after he had risen. He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak  in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on the sick people, and they will get well." Mark 16: 14-18

 He makes it clear I must go. I believe "the world" is different for everyone, but we must not be silent. God has given us the knowledge and the tools to follow through with what he asks. When god reveals his plans to me, I must step out and have faith that God is with me. 

 I must have the courage to step away from my comfort zone, and use the knowledge he has bestowed upon me.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

God showers (blessing 4)

So many blessings to even count
Blessing #4

My girls' personality

God has given me two very different girls. I laugh at them (with), I cry with them. I Holler at them. One of them I holler at because she is just like me, the other is just like her father. Sometimes it is so hard to just be thankful for the people that they are. God has given them to me for a purpose. I may not know what that purpose is, but I will spend my life learning what it is. They are a gift to be treasured and enjoyed, its only a short time!

God showers (blessing #3)

So many showers, not enough pictures
Blessing #3
Opportunity for my children

My children will never lack in opportunity. We have so many around us providing us with the ability to teach our children and show them new things.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Searching for significance!

Recently I was at a gathering of distant relatives, I was talking with a distant Aunt...

"So you don't work right? you just stay home,"

Just.... Just....

Oh my blood started to boil
Ok Lord give me loving words toward this women who clearly does not agree with me staying home and caring for my children.

"Yes I stay home with our children," Phew I even had a sweet tone and a smile Thank you Lord
Oh, but she wasn't done yet

"Aren't you afraid they will become unsocial?"

"No, my girls are very social,"

"Don't you get stir crazy?"

"No, I love being home with my girls, God has blessed us, I'm grateful I can stay home."

"I hope your husband doesn't rule over you!!"

Ok I was really getting sick of this, I needed someone to intervene, this women was aggravating me. Just then, almost like he heard his name called, Jeremy came over

"I'm gonna head over and get the girls honey," He gave me a kiss on the cheek and headed for the door. Not before giving my aunt a hug and telling her we should get together again soon.

I just looked at her with a big smile and walked away. I love my husband, he proves my family wrong time and time again.

I believe I am so very lucky to have my husband. He does every thing in his power to make sure we are taken care of. I never wanted to work after we got married. I did, until we had kids and even some after Lily was born. He enjoys having me home, and I love it.

Recently I told someone that my home is my ministry. I didn't really know at the time where those words came from, but they are so true.

My home is my job. My kids are in my care. I don't miss any part of their young lives, because I am with them through it. They come to me with all their boo boos. I am their teacher, their model, their friend and their guide. I am their road to God's saving grace, through example and teaching. I have the opportunity to mold their souls while they are young.

I am lucky and count myself blessed to have the opportunity to raise my children, and see them everyday. God has put a stir in my soul to be home, with my kids. He is equipping me more and more eveyday for the calling he has put on me.

Some days I think I'm not doing anything significant for Christ. Teaching my children is the greatest significance I can ask for. They count on me, love me, and need me. God has given them to me, if I push them to the side, it's as if I am pushing Christ. I am called to serve my family, even if that is dishes and laundry.

Seems there were too many obstacles I let get in my way of God's calling in my life. God has given me my purpose, I would encourage you to bask in God's purpose for you. He has called all of us to something. We must grab a hold of his calling and trust God to enable us, because He will.

God Showers (blessing 2)

In no particular order of course:
Blessing #2

My family picture

We aren't always looking the right way. We aren't always smiling. We aren't always at our best. But we are together. We have each other. We were put together only by God's hands. I am truly thankful to say "this is my family"

A new way of cleaning

Doing my mundane task of dishes, thinking of supper plans. Here comes my brown eyed beauty
"Mommy, will you tickle me?"

Well, I stopped my chore, looked at her with a serious face. Not being able to hold my look any longer I gave her a grin and she ran off laughing, that belly laugh that melts my heart.

I caught her not too far away and proceeded to toss her on the couch. At that age they tend to have this infectious giggle that I can't seem to grasp. I was laughing right with her.
I stopped to catch my breath and she continued to make me laugh.

Well what an invitation. I continued my attack on her, smiling at my apparent upper hand.
"Mommy tickle me here,"

Wasn't going to turn that down.

"Here mommy,"
Each time, was a different place. We continued this game until I think I tickled every part of her body. She was so precious in my eyes at that moment.

As we lay there on the couch, she was panting and still giggling at the thought of being tickled so much, she sighed.
"You tickle me alot mommy, "still trying to catch her breath.
"Yes I did, I think I tickled everything,"
"Yeah, every part."

Every part
What she didnt' know, was that at that moment, the heavenly father was telling me
I need every part Sarah!

He even wanted the little things. But was I ready to give it to him? Every bit of me? Was I willing to let him touch everything I was? Everything I stood for?
Everything, Every part
So hard to let him see every closet I've made for myself. I even tend to tuck things away, way back in there. Almost like I'm afraid I'll need to put my guard up again toward them. I needed a good cleaning, and not the kind I use rubber gloves for. A reminder that God will cover all those wounds, no matter how small they may seem.

Monday, March 26, 2012

God Showers (blessing 1)

So many blessings showering from my heavenly father
Blessing #1

My nieces and Nephews.

This picture only has 5 out of 7 that I am blessed to have.
I love hearing them play when they are together. I love the blessing of getting together. I love hearing "Auntie". I love their hugs and kisses. I love that they love me.
God is so good and I'm so blessed to have all these little miracles in my life.

Friday, March 23, 2012

A quick lesson

It never ceases to amaze me how God will use my children to speak to me.

This is my daughter saying "mama that?"

She proceeded to ask me what everything was by pointing and saying, "that?"

So curious. I believe God wants us to be curious about the things of him. To crave the knowledge that only he can give.

I wanted to so badly explain everything to her. She is simply not ready to hear everything, she wouldn't understand.

 I believe God looks on us that way too. He want so badly to reveal his plan to us, to show us what he has in store. We just aren't ready yet.

Continue to crave what the Lord has for you, because he wants to take you into his arms and show you marvelous things.

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps" Proverbs 16:9

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Above and Beyond my own stubborness

There we were outside on this rare beautiful day. I was raking, basking in the sun trying to ignore my sore hands. My daughter and nephew were digging in my flower bed enjoying the freedom. Suddenly with no warning, my ever so distressed daughter starts running toward me "moooommmmmy". In her eyes I knew that this was serious business, but my first thoughts were, "oh geez what is it!" I stopped my raking and knelt down so I could look her in the eyes.
"What is it lily? What's the matter?"
"Mommy, I don't wanna be outside, it's too sunny", she had a whine in her voice that was all too familiar to my ears. The kind of whining that makes my blood start to boil.
"Well hunny, the sun is good for you, it keeps you healthy, now run along now and play with Adam, we don't have much time out here today"
"Ok," Again the whine that has the tendency to get my head spinning.

So she and Adam ran off, and I resumed my chore. My thoughts went to my other daughter, I glanced at my phone, only been 15 minutes since I last checked on her. She wasn't due to wake up for at least another forty five minutes. I glanced over at the other two only to catch the tail end of lily walking through the front door.

Very perplexed and a bit annoyed, I set my rake down and headed for the door. No sooner had I got there and she was on her way back out with two strollers.

"We gonna play with these outside mommy k?" I knew full well this was not a question, it was a telling of what she was going to do and if I challenge it, she was gonna fight me full force.

Well, I don't back down from a fight with my daughter very often, so I protested.
"Lily you did not ask me if you could have those strollers outside"

" I don't want tooooo", the last word dragged out into a low growl, one I thought might resemble an angry dog. So I thought, here we go, she's ready to pounce.
She was starting to get limp with a temper so I pressed on

"Hunny, mommy doesn't have a problem with you bringing certain toys outside, but you need to ask first."

On a good day this comment brings on a. "Ok mommy, may I....please"

However, unannounced to me, this was not a good day
"I'm not!" complete with hands crossed and pouted lips.

First, I took a breath
 Then, I bent down to her level once again
"Ok, if you are not going to ask mommy nicely, then go put the strollers away, you may not play with them outside,"
Well this brought stomping and grumbling, but she proceeded to obey and put the strollers away. I called her over when her chore was done.
"Now we are going to go outside and enjoy the day at least until your sister wakes up."
She said not a word, just walked by me out the door. (Well more like pranced, with her head held high.)

Proud of my daughter not talking back to me again, I resumed my raking with my spirits lifted once again. Granted she did have an attitude with me, but it was not followed by a snotty remark so, I decided to give her grace on her defiant body language. I started to hum a hymn I've had in my head for several weeks now,
"Though none go with me, still I will follow,"
A smile formed on my face as I was enjoying the tune of one of my life songs. Thanking the maker once again for the sunshine.

I heard it again, the front door was closing. Lily was prancing inside and Adam wasn't far behind.

All that smiling turned fast into an angry gritting of teeth, in frustration. I once again set my rake down and headed for the door. Inside I heard Breia whimpering and Lily saying sweetly, through the monitor, "Time to get up B I don't wanna go back outside,"

"Oh Lord help me now!, I need the patience and strength to handle this awful situation", it was me saying these words that kept my blood from boiling over. Only by his grace did I not flip on my child.

I darted into the girls room passing Adam, who obviously didn't wanna seem like he was in on it. I found Lily in the crib kneeling behind her sister, now sitting up, patting her gently on the back. Breia was, naturally, sleepy eyed and totally bewildered. I said very sternly to lily,
"Get out of that crib, and go sit on the couch I will be out in a minute."
She climbed out and proceeded to  leave the room, not without looking behind her to give me one of those "I'm smarter than you think I am," smirks.

I layed Breia back down, and rubbed her back, hoping she would drift off once again. Poor thing, it didn't take long before her eyes were just too heavy to keep open.

Out in the living room, seeing me, made lily frown. I knew she was fully expecting to see me walk out with Breia. I sat next to her on the couch and instantly changed my mind about punishing her in the usual way. After all wasn't going back outside going to be punishment enough for her?

"Do you know why mommy is upset?
"Yeah, I woke up Breia"
"Lily, you do not go in your bedroom when Breia is sleeping, and you do not go in her crib, clear?"

Well that was a start, at least there was communication

"Now why don't you want to go outside?"
"Cause........ I don't know"
"Mommy has more raking to do so we are going back outside, and you and Adam are to stay out there with me, is that clear?"
"Yes mommy,"

She proceeded toward the door, this time with no attitude. I was shocked, but the more that I thought about it, I think she was just in shock herself.  In her mind she got away with something, there was no usual spanking. However I was now on high alert, realizing my daughter had an axe to grind, and I was the target.

I went back outside, determined, she was not going to get the best of me on this day. My temper was not going to boil, and my emotions were not going to overtake me.

We were outside without incident for the next twenty minutes or so. At which time I put my rake down and headed toward the kids.
"Time to go inside and start making lunch"
"Noooo Mommy, I won't", Oh no here we go
"You do not speak to me like that," I said very sternly to her.
I started toward her to give her flick on her defiant mouth.
She uddered not a word. A sure sign her fits were not over.
"Now, lets go we can come back out when we are done with lunch", I looked intently at my daughter who was giving me the look of death. They both stood up and headed for the door.

Inside, I began preperations for a typical Lunch, Adam and Lily were playing so nicely with the toys that were already spread across the floor from earlier that morning.

Lunch was nearing serving time, so I went in to get my youngest, who was showing signs of coming out of slumber. I walked out and informed the older children it was time to clean up.
"....lunch is almost ready, we need the toys cleaned up so we can go back outside after we finish"

Well this sent Lily into a fury. She began to flop around on the floor whining,
"Mommy, I don't wanna go outside"
Seriously? I had an oversized worm wiggling across the floor, she was flopping around so effortlessly. Was I really witnessing this? I was left with no choice, I took her into her bedroom... and sat with her for a few minutes until she quieted down.

In those moments, hearing those sobs, I believe the Lord spoke to my spirit.

"She is just like you Sarah!"

How many times do I whine? How many times do I give "lip" for what I think I want? The reality is, I don't know what I want. 

I was willing to hear Lily out, she was just too stubborn to see what was right in front of her. I wanted her to enjoy the beauty of the day. To give her something different, give her a chance to run and play outside where there is more freedom.

My mind is, so often, too focused on what I don't have. I don't even realize that the Father is teaching me something. He is trying to tell me that, its not about me.
"Try something new", he says,  "look beyond your own stubbornness, you might just like this new concept, this new road."

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Mathew 16:24

I'm confident that doesn't mean only when we want to. Only when we like what he is telling us or when we like where he is leading.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

ThE TrUe ARtisT!!!

I've been reminiscing this past week, I'm not entirely sure why, but it is not without its excitements.

Six months after we were married we went on a mission trip with our youth group. We spent ten days in Costa Rica. Now this was a trip that had been planned for a good year before we went, so we knew when we were planning our wedding that we were going to be going on this trip.

WELL... if you have read my last post you would know that I was a very needy newly wed. So going on this trip was a big stretch for me in more ways than one. We were separated for ten days, freshly married, not to mention all our friends (who were not married) were with us. So it was like we were dating again. (something I never wanted to go back to... if you get my drift)

Anyway while we were on our trip I learned a great deal of lessons. One of which was brought back to mind in the recent months. We were in training for street ministry the first few days we were there. One of our assignments was to draw a picture of what you would like to be doing in five years, and explain it. The project was to teach us that God does care about what our future holds. After we drew our pictures we were to give them to God, in whatever way we felt necessary. Let God have our future. Let God care about all the details that are in between. Give up our desires for his desires, and let God change that picture in whatever way he wants. I can honestly say I gave that "picture" to him that day. Telling him to do with my life what he will. Giving him my future. I felt a freeing after, but soon after that came an all too familiar fear of what was to come.

Well, my daughter loves to draw and I let her draw in my old note pads that I keep around. I enjoy looking back at them, and seeing her scribbles over top of mine reminds me of God's little blessings (more of that to come). She was showing me her picture when I noticed, under her masterpiece was one of my own.

It was a picture (stick figures of course) of a husband and wife in front of a house, with two children standing beside them and a dog. Under that picture was my writing and it said "In five years I picture Jeremy and I owning our own home, having two children, and a dog. I also see myself doing something with children, whether its my own or other people's children. I want a house full of kids, mine, or not, makes no difference"

Well, I sat back and smiled. We were coming up on our five year reunion, with the group that went to Costa Rica, God's awesome timing I'd say. So I sat down and started thinking... again I had to laugh.

That particular day I had a full house. Two children of my own, and three other kids I was watching. So it had been  five years, Jeremy and I had been living in our own house for almost two, we had two beautiful children, and I was babysitting.

I gave that picture to God that day and the only thing he took out of it was the dog (no complaints here). Its amazing how many times I've given God what I think is mine to give, and he just showers it, ever so graciously, back on me. Its a reminder of how what I have is not my own, its all his, I'm just the steward of it.
I said a prayer of thanks, to the one who gave me this future that I longed for five years ago, and went on with my day. Until now did I really get it, (I think) God was and is, reminding me yet again that I am in his hands and he cares about what matters to me.

He wants to give us the desires of our hearts, we just have to be willing to see the picture in a different light. My picture didn't change that time, but that doesn't mean that another picture won't be completely different.

I need to let him be the artist, drawing out the details of what he has in store for me.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Father Knows Best!

 I was enjoying the great outdoors with my two precious'. I had some varnishing to do, and I raked out the flower gardens and got a jump start on the lawn.

Anyway, I was watching my two little girls thinking about my dream of having so many more of them. My thoughts went back to my most recent mountain and I realized, if I was pregnant right now, I would not have the energy to enjoy this beautiful day. I would not be able to get a jump start on my outside work because more than likely I would be sick laying on the couch. My little one would not be squealing with joy as her older sister throws dirt at her!

 God knows so much more than we can even begin to comprehend. He knew that I would be enjoying this day outside relishing in his creation. He knew that I needed yet another lesson to be taught to me.

So when my girls awake we will be embarking on yet another trip to the doctor. Same old thing, "Oh your young, it will happen to you again, at least your kids won't be that close, enjoy the two that you have" All words of wisdom from someone who, I believe, truly cares. However the hurt is still there and won't be forgotten all too soon. I can take comfort in knowing that my babies are in Jesus' arms where they are safe and well cared for. Until I see them, I will continue to live each day for the one who created me and gave me the beautiful family that I have to hold.

 "O LORD, you have examined my heart, and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up.You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.You see me when I travel and when I rest at home.You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. You go before me and follow me.You place your hand of blessing on my head.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day.Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! O God, if only you would destroy the wicked! Get out of my life, you murderers! They blaspheme you; your enemies misuse your name. O LORD, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you? Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you? Yes, I hate them with total hatred, for your enemies are my enemies.Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." Psalm 139

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Remmeber When?

I like to play this game with myself and my husband every now and then.

Remember when we would stay up all night talking?
Remember when we would do anything just to see each other?
Remember when we dreamed about each other?
Remember when money wasn't an issue when going out to eat?
Remember dreaming about how wonderful it would be to be married?

I remember someone telling me when I was first married "Oh your just in the honeymoon stage, that will all wear off "

That is so wrong to tell someone, I believe we have grown together. Certainly we have matured (???). Sure our love is different, but I have the same feelings I had back then, in fact they are stronger now.

I remember a time when we were first married thinking that I was going to be able to change him. (only a little) He has never been a very affectionate man, and my love language is touch and feel. We grew up in very different homes when it came to affection. Anyway, I was determined that he was going to change because we were married now and I "deserved" all the affection he could give me.

Well, looking back I'm ashamed but it's all garbage now. (Don't touch that garbage) I would nag him and get truly upset with him. I was miserable in our marriage and drove him away because of my constant bickering and harsh words. I was demanding of him to the point where I think he would just give up. Nothing was good enough, I couldn't get enough of him no matter how hard he tried.

He wasn't home when he said so
He didn't show me any affection when he got home
He pulled away too fast when I hugged him

It's funny I thought it was him who needed to change, and I ran him dry all the time because of it. The reality was I just needed to accept him and love him for who he was. Period.

I still need the same affection that I always have. I don't think that will ever change. However what has changed is my attitude.

 I asked God to help, and we all know when we actually let God help... He will.

 He didn't, however, help in the way I thought he would. I never dreamed it was me in the wrong. I started letting God change my thought process, my words and the way I speak to him, my heart and love toward him.

I've noticed a change, but I'm not sure it's him. I don't know if he's more affectionate, or I'm just more patient and understanding of him, and the way God created him. Either way it is one of those lessons I've been learning the hard way.

God showed me my anger problem toward my husband, and how much it was effecting him. I had to, however, ask and be willing to let God do whatever he was going to do.

"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools." Ecclesiastes 7:9

I feel it was, and is a long process, but then again so is everything worth fighting for, and my marriage was worth it. Let God work in a troublesome area in your life! I know he wants to mold you, you just have to let him.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Rest (What's that?)


Well well, I'm not so sure about that. 

I mean sure I can lay down when, if, my girls lay down and take a nap. Quite often if I do that, however, I wake up feeling worse. Mostly cause usually the kids wake me up, and that's never fun when you are trying to get rested up.

How do you sleep when your children sleep at different times? How am I suppose to rest when they don't even rest themselves? Or worse yet, when I have a whole list of things to tackle for the day, and no time to do it?

"NO!! Your missing the point, you not getting it."

I mean true rest, the kind of rest that only comes through Jesus

Margaret Feinberg said "Your desire for rest will never match God's desire to give you rest. He longs to renew you!"

God's desire is to give us the kind of rest that will sustain us through our day. But, we have to come to him. We have to ask for it, and then continue to lean on him for the peace that he so longs to give us.

The peace, that we are in his hands. The peace, that he is in control and knows what's best for us. He knows What's not in my playbook!

So as hard as it is day in and day out, I can rest. Maybe not physically, but spiritually I can have rest in the Peace of God

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. " Philippians 4:7

Just Let Go!!!

"What is God telling you today?"

I was reading a piece someone posted today and this was asked at the end. It made me think about my present situation.

I believe God is telling me to "Just let go..."

Let go of this stress I have. Let go of this baby I'm holding too close. Let go of this group of girls I hold so dear. Those knots that are tied up in my stomach... let go of those too! Those words that I allow to pierce my heart, those definitely need to go.

"Just let go... you can not carry this load... but my arms are big enough."

God's arms are open wide to me and all that I hold. I can not control the outcome of anything in this world. Therefore I do not have any need to hold on to anything that I carry,

I tend to make it my "Job" to control my environment. Or worse, let my environment control me. I let myself get carried away with something that means nothing at all in the end.

I can only control myself, and sometimes I don't even think I can handle that much. God has put me in these shoes because I fit them. I need to allow God to direct my steps.

Let go and let God

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Beginings of an ameateur

I've Thought many times about starting a blog. Not really sure what help it could give me, but I've always enjoyed journaling. So if no one else reads this at least my thoughts are out for all to see.

I've struggled a lot lately. Since my most recent Miscarriage, i fear I'm border line depressed. I know the Lord has my children that I've lost in his hands, but I have a hard time letting go.

Everyone around me thinks I'm fine. And in reality i am, God will see me through. But I still hurt. Seems I'm finding out everyday new people that are Pregnant right around when I would be due with my precious.

I feel selfish even thinking these thoughts, because I have two very precious daughters sleeping in the next room. They are so amazing and I am a mom. Something I was once told I would never be. We struggled with infertility, just like many people I know. We have suffered Four miscarriages now.

 I know what it feels like to wait and wait and wait... only to be disapointed when my period comes once again. I know what it is like to buy those clothes on the clearance rack, when you are so very early in your pregnancy, thinking "my baby if it is a boy will fit in to this at the right time". Only to pack those clothes away feeling like you will never actually use them. I know what it feels like to hold a newborn baby of a friend so dear, knowing that my child would have been this old. I know what it feels like to look at a toddler and think "My baby would have been learning to do that too". I know what it feels like to wonder what our family would be like if i had not lost my child.

Is it me?
Do i deserve this?
Have I brought it on myself?

The answers to these questions are a resounding "NO" I know this. However somehow i keep asking them. somehow i think I'll get a different answer. The reality of it all is God will see me through. He has chosen me to experience this. I don't understand why, i don't believe I ever will, but i will take it day by day trusting that God will give me the strength that I need to master this mountain.

In Him