Friday, April 20, 2012

The choice!

I knew it was going to be a struggle. I knew the conversation was going to go where I didn't want it to go. No matter how hard I tried to control it, those who I cared about so much, were ripping open my not so healed wounds. I had a choice, I could wallow in my own self pity and have myself a horrible time; or I could put a smile on and pray though the evening, being careful not to let my face show the deep pain I was feeling.

Thankfully I chose the latter. With great difficulty, I prayed for guidance through this night that was suppose to be a fun night out. I believe I had the best time I could.

When the conversation turns to a painful topic, I can't help but feel my wounds being cut open yet again. I am happy, I am happy for them. I want to share in their joy. All I feel is pain, I just want it to go away, I just want these feelings to disappear.

I came home and fell on the couch in a heap. It was late, but I didn't care. No matter what time I go to bed, I still don't want to get up these days. The evening played back in my head, it was fun, I really did enjoy myself. So why don't I feel good now?

"...heavenly father, shower over me, wash this heart of sorrow, clean my wounds once again..."

He came, he loved on me. He gave me the peace I so longed for. I fell asleep feeling my fathers arms wrapped around me so tightly I couldn't think of anything else.

There is no greater feeling!