Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I will run to you (once again)

Once again my thoughts are shifting toward those topics that we just don't discuss. There are feelings and emotions that are so raw no amount of words can help heal. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get past the grief. No matter how much time I have, it will always slap me in the face. Just when I think I have it together, those are the moments my face hurts from the slap I wasn't expecting. In those moments when I'm still trying to grasp onto what just happened, I know, somewhere deep inside there is healing taking place. One day I pray my pain won't be so bad. I do pray, however that I never forget. I never want to forget these days, I never will forget these moments that I needed to be carried. Like this aching in my foot reminds me of how fragile my body is, I pray my heart will ache as a reminder of the lose I suffer everyday.

A very dear friend recently told me I am grieving. I wasn't really sure how to put my feelings into words. But she did, she knew what was embedded deep inside. She could identify with my emotions. She didn't tell me I need to get over it. She didn't tell me to be thankful for what I had. She didn't tell me that she knew what I was going through. She didn't try and out feel me. She didn't feed me that spiritual lingo so many others think is comforting. She didn't cliche my situation. I was a person with ligitament feelings and I deserved to be treated like I matter. She just listened and shed those tears for me that I can't seem to let come. She validated me and put her own trials aside to listen to my heart. She prayed with me. She knew I needed prayer more than anything. She knew that I knew all that she was going to tell me, so she didn't try to comfort me with words. She was my angel.

I heard a song today, seems I've been hearing alot of songs lately. Sometimes lyrics really speak to me This song by Kari Jobe really summed up my feelings today:

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us

There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You’re here, You’re real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You ’cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand

 Each and every moment
What’s good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan

You are here, You’re real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You ’cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

And I will run to You
I’ll find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You ’cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand

Who are you running to?

Monday, July 30, 2012

A not so peachy morning (for good reason)

What was supose to be a productive, yet uneventful day, has really turned out to be an eye opener and full of scary surprises.

  • First, surprise I actually rolled out if bed early this morning, ready to start by very busy day. I knew I had peaches, blueberries, zucchini, and beans all to do in this one day. I proceeded to clean up my kitchen from a very fun evening with a few friends. 

  • Second surprise, I could not find my regular mouth canning lids to do up my peaches. But that was ok cause I would just use my wide mouth jars,

  • Third surprise, I don't have wide mouth quarts, only pints. I already made the decision that I needed to do up my peaches in quarts this year. OK, well we will walk down to millers when the girls wake up and get those lids so we can start up.

  • Fourth surprise, Breia did not wake up until almost 10. They are still recovering from the week away on vacation. So we started down to millers, later than planned,(at least that was uneventful). On the way back we stopped and visited with neighbors.

  • Fifth surprise, Lily was in a really bad mood, she screamed and hollered the whole way home from our neighbors house. We got ourselves back in the house (kicking and screaming,mind you) hoping to get started on my peaches. 

  • Sixth surprise, I did not clean all the grease off our stove from last night. I put a dutch oven of water on the stove to boil so I could peel the peaches. I walked away for a minute and returned to FLAMES!!

I didn't realize all I did to save my kitchen until after I accessed the damage. I remember taking the kids outside first. Then I came back and took the water that was in the dutch oven and poured it over the flames. This did a good job of slowing down the fire, but it was still blazing. I ripped down the curtains that were already engulfed and stomped in them. I threw the paper towels that were on fire into the water that was all over the floor. then I proceeded to throw cups of water on the remaining flames. I do remember I didn't stop pouring water on it until it wasn't smoking anymore.

After I knew my kitchen was safe again I went outside and sat on the porch. All my emotions came at once. I was frustrated, scared and so very thankful. All this only took a few moments, my girls had hardly known I left them outside. We went and spent time with neighbors until the smoke cleared out of the house. .
I am so thankful for Gods protection in the whole situation. 
I am grateful I could trust my girls to stay outside where I put them to play
I am grateful I was trying to boil water, pouring that over really helped.
I am grateful for my reaction time, I can't imagine how much we could have lost
I am grateful for the wisdom God gave me in my time of need. 
I am so thankful for neighbors that are there when I need them
I am so thankful I didn't have those lids, if I had tried to start my peaches earlier (when I had planned) I would have had to wake the girls up and leave because the smoke was too thick I did not want to stay in the house. I wouldn't have had a place to go with two very grumpy girls that early in the morning.

Once again, God is showing me that he is in control. He knows what he is doing and he will reveal to me his plan when I am ready to accept it. His timing is perfect. If I give him the day that is ahead of me, he will guide me and protect me in the ways that I need to be protected. (not in the ways I think I need him). So many times I think I am just waiting for nothing. But God's promise is that he will be there. When I am waiting on him, he will honor that. He will take care of all my needs. I matter to him, I can trust that he will make me smile when I need it the most. 

I really did not know what I was doing when I did it, I only know from looking around after it was all over. Proof that my heavenly father was watching over me this day. Proof that God wanted to show me that if I will trust him, he will guide me. He was in my hands and feet, he was in the water that killed the fire, he was watching my children when I could not, he was in my head when I didn't know what to do.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

A resounding promise I must cling to!!

Carpel tunnel I knew, but now thumb tendonitis? My writing is coming to an abrupt halt. It has been a tremedous comfort to journal and blog about what God is teaching me. These past five months I've been working on my story, writing everything down, and was even considering taking up a writing course. I find writing keeps this life's journey in perspective.
Is this another "NO" from the Lord? Is this another "slow down, you can't keep going like this"?  Or is this just another obstacle put in front of me to over come?

My short story is finally making sense and I have to limit my writing. My daily devotions are flourishing, so why now? My healing is progressing, will I start sliding back down if I can't write as much? I feel closer to my creator when I'm writing so why is it being taken away from me? Is it really being taken away from me, or is this the enemy trying to discourage my progress?

I know God has a plan and I know everything will fall into its perfect place. And so I seek and search for the right words and the solution that will carry me through.

Jeremiah 29:10-14

"This is what the Lord says: " When seventy years are completed for Babylon I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek  me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Friday, July 20, 2012

Joyful choice!

I don't really feel like I come in contact with too many different people. Most of the time I see the same three people every day. When I do come in contact with certain individuals, it seems to really affect me. So this lady was about as miserable as can be. We were just not doing anything to please her and really weren't trying all too hard either because we knew it just didn't matter. She was yelling and just being nasty to us and I thought wow to live that miserable.

Ya know my natural tendency is to react, but when I see people that miserable it reminds me to think before I react. We only have this moment. We are not promised the next so I need to remember that there are certain things that just don't matter. My kids don't need to see me upset with things that don't matter. I don't want to leave that kind of impact on others, even on a smaller scale. Living this life being that miserable will only make others around us miserable and just ruin the joy in our everyday living. No way we were intended to have a bad attitude in general.

There are times when I feel that being miserable is justified. But my attitude is a choice and I will decide to delight in my savior. I want those around me to see the joy I have in Christ!

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Protect them, so all who love your name may be filled with joy Psalm 5:11

Monday, July 9, 2012

Nice, Neat Rows

I finally got a good look at my garden this year, I got down and dirty today weeding it out. As I was scanning the plants I had to smile at the odd plants coming up not in the rows where they were originally planted. See, right after I planted the garden my husband set up the sprinkler to water it (right on top of the hill where I planted my beets... needless to say I have almost no beets). Well... the sprinkler proceeded to topple over causing a stream of water to wash out my lettuce, beets and some carrots. So now I have lettuce in random spots in the garden and carrots are popping up in my beans, and in between the rows. Only a few beets survived and they are mixed in with my lettuce.

My first thought upon seeing it several weeks ago was,
"When my foot is better and I get to weeding, I'll just pluck them all up so it looks all nice and neat."

As I stood there and looked, I realized, that as funny as this garden looks, it is fully functional. A small part of it may be random and its really hard to walk around all the plants, but I will still get a good crop this year. My vegetable garden will thrive regardless of how it looks.

I had a thought... I don't really look all that great some days either. I may not have it all together, and I may not have all my "ducks in a row." If I'm willing, however, and my roots are solid, I can produce fruit no matter I messed up I may look on the outside.


I was so looking forward to getting away from the everyday. We rented a camper and for a whole week, we enjoyed the great outdoors. I thought "getting away" was going to solve my problem. Help ease the pain, that is so deep I wasn't even for sure I knew all that was there.

So, I made a camp fire (by far the best part of camping, even during the day). I remember as a teen I always did my best thinking by a campfire. I sat curled up with my bible, ready to hear what my father had to say. I did this all week and I came home feeling high. I thought that was just what I needed, a week to get away.

NO! What I needed was to be completely open to God and his teaching. Getting away from my everyday wasn't what made my pain subside. Seeking Christ and is purpose for all my pain, that is what made me feel better.