Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I will run to you (once again)

Once again my thoughts are shifting toward those topics that we just don't discuss. There are feelings and emotions that are so raw no amount of words can help heal. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get past the grief. No matter how much time I have, it will always slap me in the face. Just when I think I have it together, those are the moments my face hurts from the slap I wasn't expecting. In those moments when I'm still trying to grasp onto what just happened, I know, somewhere deep inside there is healing taking place. One day I pray my pain won't be so bad. I do pray, however that I never forget. I never want to forget these days, I never will forget these moments that I needed to be carried. Like this aching in my foot reminds me of how fragile my body is, I pray my heart will ache as a reminder of the lose I suffer everyday.

A very dear friend recently told me I am grieving. I wasn't really sure how to put my feelings into words. But she did, she knew what was embedded deep inside. She could identify with my emotions. She didn't tell me I need to get over it. She didn't tell me to be thankful for what I had. She didn't tell me that she knew what I was going through. She didn't try and out feel me. She didn't feed me that spiritual lingo so many others think is comforting. She didn't cliche my situation. I was a person with ligitament feelings and I deserved to be treated like I matter. She just listened and shed those tears for me that I can't seem to let come. She validated me and put her own trials aside to listen to my heart. She prayed with me. She knew I needed prayer more than anything. She knew that I knew all that she was going to tell me, so she didn't try to comfort me with words. She was my angel.

I heard a song today, seems I've been hearing alot of songs lately. Sometimes lyrics really speak to me This song by Kari Jobe really summed up my feelings today:

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us

There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You’re here, You’re real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You ’cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand

 Each and every moment
What’s good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan

You are here, You’re real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You ’cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

And I will run to You
I’ll find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You ’cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I’m not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand

Who are you running to?