Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Beginings of an ameateur

I've Thought many times about starting a blog. Not really sure what help it could give me, but I've always enjoyed journaling. So if no one else reads this at least my thoughts are out for all to see.

I've struggled a lot lately. Since my most recent Miscarriage, i fear I'm border line depressed. I know the Lord has my children that I've lost in his hands, but I have a hard time letting go.

Everyone around me thinks I'm fine. And in reality i am, God will see me through. But I still hurt. Seems I'm finding out everyday new people that are Pregnant right around when I would be due with my precious.

I feel selfish even thinking these thoughts, because I have two very precious daughters sleeping in the next room. They are so amazing and I am a mom. Something I was once told I would never be. We struggled with infertility, just like many people I know. We have suffered Four miscarriages now.

 I know what it feels like to wait and wait and wait... only to be disapointed when my period comes once again. I know what it is like to buy those clothes on the clearance rack, when you are so very early in your pregnancy, thinking "my baby if it is a boy will fit in to this at the right time". Only to pack those clothes away feeling like you will never actually use them. I know what it feels like to hold a newborn baby of a friend so dear, knowing that my child would have been this old. I know what it feels like to look at a toddler and think "My baby would have been learning to do that too". I know what it feels like to wonder what our family would be like if i had not lost my child.

Is it me?
Do i deserve this?
Have I brought it on myself?

The answers to these questions are a resounding "NO" I know this. However somehow i keep asking them. somehow i think I'll get a different answer. The reality of it all is God will see me through. He has chosen me to experience this. I don't understand why, i don't believe I ever will, but i will take it day by day trusting that God will give me the strength that I need to master this mountain.

In Him