Thursday, March 29, 2012

God showers (blessing 4)

So many blessings to even count
Blessing #4

My girls' personality

God has given me two very different girls. I laugh at them (with), I cry with them. I Holler at them. One of them I holler at because she is just like me, the other is just like her father. Sometimes it is so hard to just be thankful for the people that they are. God has given them to me for a purpose. I may not know what that purpose is, but I will spend my life learning what it is. They are a gift to be treasured and enjoyed, its only a short time!

God showers (blessing #3)

So many showers, not enough pictures
Blessing #3
Opportunity for my children

My children will never lack in opportunity. We have so many around us providing us with the ability to teach our children and show them new things.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Searching for significance!

Recently I was at a gathering of distant relatives, I was talking with a distant Aunt...

"So you don't work right? you just stay home,"

Just.... Just....

Oh my blood started to boil
Ok Lord give me loving words toward this women who clearly does not agree with me staying home and caring for my children.

"Yes I stay home with our children," Phew I even had a sweet tone and a smile Thank you Lord
Oh, but she wasn't done yet

"Aren't you afraid they will become unsocial?"

"No, my girls are very social,"

"Don't you get stir crazy?"

"No, I love being home with my girls, God has blessed us, I'm grateful I can stay home."

"I hope your husband doesn't rule over you!!"

Ok I was really getting sick of this, I needed someone to intervene, this women was aggravating me. Just then, almost like he heard his name called, Jeremy came over

"I'm gonna head over and get the girls honey," He gave me a kiss on the cheek and headed for the door. Not before giving my aunt a hug and telling her we should get together again soon.

I just looked at her with a big smile and walked away. I love my husband, he proves my family wrong time and time again.

I believe I am so very lucky to have my husband. He does every thing in his power to make sure we are taken care of. I never wanted to work after we got married. I did, until we had kids and even some after Lily was born. He enjoys having me home, and I love it.

Recently I told someone that my home is my ministry. I didn't really know at the time where those words came from, but they are so true.

My home is my job. My kids are in my care. I don't miss any part of their young lives, because I am with them through it. They come to me with all their boo boos. I am their teacher, their model, their friend and their guide. I am their road to God's saving grace, through example and teaching. I have the opportunity to mold their souls while they are young.

I am lucky and count myself blessed to have the opportunity to raise my children, and see them everyday. God has put a stir in my soul to be home, with my kids. He is equipping me more and more eveyday for the calling he has put on me.

Some days I think I'm not doing anything significant for Christ. Teaching my children is the greatest significance I can ask for. They count on me, love me, and need me. God has given them to me, if I push them to the side, it's as if I am pushing Christ. I am called to serve my family, even if that is dishes and laundry.

Seems there were too many obstacles I let get in my way of God's calling in my life. God has given me my purpose, I would encourage you to bask in God's purpose for you. He has called all of us to something. We must grab a hold of his calling and trust God to enable us, because He will.

God Showers (blessing 2)

In no particular order of course:
Blessing #2

My family picture

We aren't always looking the right way. We aren't always smiling. We aren't always at our best. But we are together. We have each other. We were put together only by God's hands. I am truly thankful to say "this is my family"

A new way of cleaning

Doing my mundane task of dishes, thinking of supper plans. Here comes my brown eyed beauty
"Mommy, will you tickle me?"

Well, I stopped my chore, looked at her with a serious face. Not being able to hold my look any longer I gave her a grin and she ran off laughing, that belly laugh that melts my heart.

I caught her not too far away and proceeded to toss her on the couch. At that age they tend to have this infectious giggle that I can't seem to grasp. I was laughing right with her.
I stopped to catch my breath and she continued to make me laugh.

Well what an invitation. I continued my attack on her, smiling at my apparent upper hand.
"Mommy tickle me here,"

Wasn't going to turn that down.

"Here mommy,"
Each time, was a different place. We continued this game until I think I tickled every part of her body. She was so precious in my eyes at that moment.

As we lay there on the couch, she was panting and still giggling at the thought of being tickled so much, she sighed.
"You tickle me alot mommy, "still trying to catch her breath.
"Yes I did, I think I tickled everything,"
"Yeah, every part."

Every part
What she didnt' know, was that at that moment, the heavenly father was telling me
I need every part Sarah!

He even wanted the little things. But was I ready to give it to him? Every bit of me? Was I willing to let him touch everything I was? Everything I stood for?
Everything, Every part
So hard to let him see every closet I've made for myself. I even tend to tuck things away, way back in there. Almost like I'm afraid I'll need to put my guard up again toward them. I needed a good cleaning, and not the kind I use rubber gloves for. A reminder that God will cover all those wounds, no matter how small they may seem.

Monday, March 26, 2012

God Showers (blessing 1)

So many blessings showering from my heavenly father
Blessing #1

My nieces and Nephews.

This picture only has 5 out of 7 that I am blessed to have.
I love hearing them play when they are together. I love the blessing of getting together. I love hearing "Auntie". I love their hugs and kisses. I love that they love me.
God is so good and I'm so blessed to have all these little miracles in my life.

Friday, March 23, 2012

A quick lesson

It never ceases to amaze me how God will use my children to speak to me.

This is my daughter saying "mama that?"

She proceeded to ask me what everything was by pointing and saying, "that?"

So curious. I believe God wants us to be curious about the things of him. To crave the knowledge that only he can give.

I wanted to so badly explain everything to her. She is simply not ready to hear everything, she wouldn't understand.

 I believe God looks on us that way too. He want so badly to reveal his plan to us, to show us what he has in store. We just aren't ready yet.

Continue to crave what the Lord has for you, because he wants to take you into his arms and show you marvelous things.

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps" Proverbs 16:9

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Above and Beyond my own stubborness

There we were outside on this rare beautiful day. I was raking, basking in the sun trying to ignore my sore hands. My daughter and nephew were digging in my flower bed enjoying the freedom. Suddenly with no warning, my ever so distressed daughter starts running toward me "moooommmmmy". In her eyes I knew that this was serious business, but my first thoughts were, "oh geez what is it!" I stopped my raking and knelt down so I could look her in the eyes.
"What is it lily? What's the matter?"
"Mommy, I don't wanna be outside, it's too sunny", she had a whine in her voice that was all too familiar to my ears. The kind of whining that makes my blood start to boil.
"Well hunny, the sun is good for you, it keeps you healthy, now run along now and play with Adam, we don't have much time out here today"
"Ok," Again the whine that has the tendency to get my head spinning.

So she and Adam ran off, and I resumed my chore. My thoughts went to my other daughter, I glanced at my phone, only been 15 minutes since I last checked on her. She wasn't due to wake up for at least another forty five minutes. I glanced over at the other two only to catch the tail end of lily walking through the front door.

Very perplexed and a bit annoyed, I set my rake down and headed for the door. No sooner had I got there and she was on her way back out with two strollers.

"We gonna play with these outside mommy k?" I knew full well this was not a question, it was a telling of what she was going to do and if I challenge it, she was gonna fight me full force.

Well, I don't back down from a fight with my daughter very often, so I protested.
"Lily you did not ask me if you could have those strollers outside"

" I don't want tooooo", the last word dragged out into a low growl, one I thought might resemble an angry dog. So I thought, here we go, she's ready to pounce.
She was starting to get limp with a temper so I pressed on

"Hunny, mommy doesn't have a problem with you bringing certain toys outside, but you need to ask first."

On a good day this comment brings on a. "Ok mommy, may I....please"

However, unannounced to me, this was not a good day
"I'm not!" complete with hands crossed and pouted lips.

First, I took a breath
 Then, I bent down to her level once again
"Ok, if you are not going to ask mommy nicely, then go put the strollers away, you may not play with them outside,"
Well this brought stomping and grumbling, but she proceeded to obey and put the strollers away. I called her over when her chore was done.
"Now we are going to go outside and enjoy the day at least until your sister wakes up."
She said not a word, just walked by me out the door. (Well more like pranced, with her head held high.)

Proud of my daughter not talking back to me again, I resumed my raking with my spirits lifted once again. Granted she did have an attitude with me, but it was not followed by a snotty remark so, I decided to give her grace on her defiant body language. I started to hum a hymn I've had in my head for several weeks now,
"Though none go with me, still I will follow,"
A smile formed on my face as I was enjoying the tune of one of my life songs. Thanking the maker once again for the sunshine.

I heard it again, the front door was closing. Lily was prancing inside and Adam wasn't far behind.

All that smiling turned fast into an angry gritting of teeth, in frustration. I once again set my rake down and headed for the door. Inside I heard Breia whimpering and Lily saying sweetly, through the monitor, "Time to get up B I don't wanna go back outside,"

"Oh Lord help me now!, I need the patience and strength to handle this awful situation", it was me saying these words that kept my blood from boiling over. Only by his grace did I not flip on my child.

I darted into the girls room passing Adam, who obviously didn't wanna seem like he was in on it. I found Lily in the crib kneeling behind her sister, now sitting up, patting her gently on the back. Breia was, naturally, sleepy eyed and totally bewildered. I said very sternly to lily,
"Get out of that crib, and go sit on the couch I will be out in a minute."
She climbed out and proceeded to  leave the room, not without looking behind her to give me one of those "I'm smarter than you think I am," smirks.

I layed Breia back down, and rubbed her back, hoping she would drift off once again. Poor thing, it didn't take long before her eyes were just too heavy to keep open.

Out in the living room, seeing me, made lily frown. I knew she was fully expecting to see me walk out with Breia. I sat next to her on the couch and instantly changed my mind about punishing her in the usual way. After all wasn't going back outside going to be punishment enough for her?

"Do you know why mommy is upset?
"Yeah, I woke up Breia"
"Lily, you do not go in your bedroom when Breia is sleeping, and you do not go in her crib, clear?"

Well that was a start, at least there was communication

"Now why don't you want to go outside?"
"Cause........ I don't know"
"Mommy has more raking to do so we are going back outside, and you and Adam are to stay out there with me, is that clear?"
"Yes mommy,"

She proceeded toward the door, this time with no attitude. I was shocked, but the more that I thought about it, I think she was just in shock herself.  In her mind she got away with something, there was no usual spanking. However I was now on high alert, realizing my daughter had an axe to grind, and I was the target.

I went back outside, determined, she was not going to get the best of me on this day. My temper was not going to boil, and my emotions were not going to overtake me.

We were outside without incident for the next twenty minutes or so. At which time I put my rake down and headed toward the kids.
"Time to go inside and start making lunch"
"Noooo Mommy, I won't", Oh no here we go
"You do not speak to me like that," I said very sternly to her.
I started toward her to give her flick on her defiant mouth.
She uddered not a word. A sure sign her fits were not over.
"Now, lets go we can come back out when we are done with lunch", I looked intently at my daughter who was giving me the look of death. They both stood up and headed for the door.

Inside, I began preperations for a typical Lunch, Adam and Lily were playing so nicely with the toys that were already spread across the floor from earlier that morning.

Lunch was nearing serving time, so I went in to get my youngest, who was showing signs of coming out of slumber. I walked out and informed the older children it was time to clean up.
"....lunch is almost ready, we need the toys cleaned up so we can go back outside after we finish"

Well this sent Lily into a fury. She began to flop around on the floor whining,
"Mommy, I don't wanna go outside"
Seriously? I had an oversized worm wiggling across the floor, she was flopping around so effortlessly. Was I really witnessing this? I was left with no choice, I took her into her bedroom... and sat with her for a few minutes until she quieted down.

In those moments, hearing those sobs, I believe the Lord spoke to my spirit.

"She is just like you Sarah!"

How many times do I whine? How many times do I give "lip" for what I think I want? The reality is, I don't know what I want. 

I was willing to hear Lily out, she was just too stubborn to see what was right in front of her. I wanted her to enjoy the beauty of the day. To give her something different, give her a chance to run and play outside where there is more freedom.

My mind is, so often, too focused on what I don't have. I don't even realize that the Father is teaching me something. He is trying to tell me that, its not about me.
"Try something new", he says,  "look beyond your own stubbornness, you might just like this new concept, this new road."

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Mathew 16:24

I'm confident that doesn't mean only when we want to. Only when we like what he is telling us or when we like where he is leading.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

ThE TrUe ARtisT!!!

I've been reminiscing this past week, I'm not entirely sure why, but it is not without its excitements.

Six months after we were married we went on a mission trip with our youth group. We spent ten days in Costa Rica. Now this was a trip that had been planned for a good year before we went, so we knew when we were planning our wedding that we were going to be going on this trip.

WELL... if you have read my last post you would know that I was a very needy newly wed. So going on this trip was a big stretch for me in more ways than one. We were separated for ten days, freshly married, not to mention all our friends (who were not married) were with us. So it was like we were dating again. (something I never wanted to go back to... if you get my drift)

Anyway while we were on our trip I learned a great deal of lessons. One of which was brought back to mind in the recent months. We were in training for street ministry the first few days we were there. One of our assignments was to draw a picture of what you would like to be doing in five years, and explain it. The project was to teach us that God does care about what our future holds. After we drew our pictures we were to give them to God, in whatever way we felt necessary. Let God have our future. Let God care about all the details that are in between. Give up our desires for his desires, and let God change that picture in whatever way he wants. I can honestly say I gave that "picture" to him that day. Telling him to do with my life what he will. Giving him my future. I felt a freeing after, but soon after that came an all too familiar fear of what was to come.

Well, my daughter loves to draw and I let her draw in my old note pads that I keep around. I enjoy looking back at them, and seeing her scribbles over top of mine reminds me of God's little blessings (more of that to come). She was showing me her picture when I noticed, under her masterpiece was one of my own.

It was a picture (stick figures of course) of a husband and wife in front of a house, with two children standing beside them and a dog. Under that picture was my writing and it said "In five years I picture Jeremy and I owning our own home, having two children, and a dog. I also see myself doing something with children, whether its my own or other people's children. I want a house full of kids, mine, or not, makes no difference"

Well, I sat back and smiled. We were coming up on our five year reunion, with the group that went to Costa Rica, God's awesome timing I'd say. So I sat down and started thinking... again I had to laugh.

That particular day I had a full house. Two children of my own, and three other kids I was watching. So it had been  five years, Jeremy and I had been living in our own house for almost two, we had two beautiful children, and I was babysitting.

I gave that picture to God that day and the only thing he took out of it was the dog (no complaints here). Its amazing how many times I've given God what I think is mine to give, and he just showers it, ever so graciously, back on me. Its a reminder of how what I have is not my own, its all his, I'm just the steward of it.
I said a prayer of thanks, to the one who gave me this future that I longed for five years ago, and went on with my day. Until now did I really get it, (I think) God was and is, reminding me yet again that I am in his hands and he cares about what matters to me.

He wants to give us the desires of our hearts, we just have to be willing to see the picture in a different light. My picture didn't change that time, but that doesn't mean that another picture won't be completely different.

I need to let him be the artist, drawing out the details of what he has in store for me.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Father Knows Best!

 I was enjoying the great outdoors with my two precious'. I had some varnishing to do, and I raked out the flower gardens and got a jump start on the lawn.

Anyway, I was watching my two little girls thinking about my dream of having so many more of them. My thoughts went back to my most recent mountain and I realized, if I was pregnant right now, I would not have the energy to enjoy this beautiful day. I would not be able to get a jump start on my outside work because more than likely I would be sick laying on the couch. My little one would not be squealing with joy as her older sister throws dirt at her!

 God knows so much more than we can even begin to comprehend. He knew that I would be enjoying this day outside relishing in his creation. He knew that I needed yet another lesson to be taught to me.

So when my girls awake we will be embarking on yet another trip to the doctor. Same old thing, "Oh your young, it will happen to you again, at least your kids won't be that close, enjoy the two that you have" All words of wisdom from someone who, I believe, truly cares. However the hurt is still there and won't be forgotten all too soon. I can take comfort in knowing that my babies are in Jesus' arms where they are safe and well cared for. Until I see them, I will continue to live each day for the one who created me and gave me the beautiful family that I have to hold.

 "O LORD, you have examined my heart, and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up.You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.You see me when I travel and when I rest at home.You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. You go before me and follow me.You place your hand of blessing on my head.Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day.Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! O God, if only you would destroy the wicked! Get out of my life, you murderers! They blaspheme you; your enemies misuse your name. O LORD, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you? Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you? Yes, I hate them with total hatred, for your enemies are my enemies.Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." Psalm 139

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Remmeber When?

I like to play this game with myself and my husband every now and then.

Remember when we would stay up all night talking?
Remember when we would do anything just to see each other?
Remember when we dreamed about each other?
Remember when money wasn't an issue when going out to eat?
Remember dreaming about how wonderful it would be to be married?

I remember someone telling me when I was first married "Oh your just in the honeymoon stage, that will all wear off "

That is so wrong to tell someone, I believe we have grown together. Certainly we have matured (???). Sure our love is different, but I have the same feelings I had back then, in fact they are stronger now.

I remember a time when we were first married thinking that I was going to be able to change him. (only a little) He has never been a very affectionate man, and my love language is touch and feel. We grew up in very different homes when it came to affection. Anyway, I was determined that he was going to change because we were married now and I "deserved" all the affection he could give me.

Well, looking back I'm ashamed but it's all garbage now. (Don't touch that garbage) I would nag him and get truly upset with him. I was miserable in our marriage and drove him away because of my constant bickering and harsh words. I was demanding of him to the point where I think he would just give up. Nothing was good enough, I couldn't get enough of him no matter how hard he tried.

He wasn't home when he said so
He didn't show me any affection when he got home
He pulled away too fast when I hugged him

It's funny I thought it was him who needed to change, and I ran him dry all the time because of it. The reality was I just needed to accept him and love him for who he was. Period.

I still need the same affection that I always have. I don't think that will ever change. However what has changed is my attitude.

 I asked God to help, and we all know when we actually let God help... He will.

 He didn't, however, help in the way I thought he would. I never dreamed it was me in the wrong. I started letting God change my thought process, my words and the way I speak to him, my heart and love toward him.

I've noticed a change, but I'm not sure it's him. I don't know if he's more affectionate, or I'm just more patient and understanding of him, and the way God created him. Either way it is one of those lessons I've been learning the hard way.

God showed me my anger problem toward my husband, and how much it was effecting him. I had to, however, ask and be willing to let God do whatever he was going to do.

"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools." Ecclesiastes 7:9

I feel it was, and is a long process, but then again so is everything worth fighting for, and my marriage was worth it. Let God work in a troublesome area in your life! I know he wants to mold you, you just have to let him.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Rest (What's that?)


Well well, I'm not so sure about that. 

I mean sure I can lay down when, if, my girls lay down and take a nap. Quite often if I do that, however, I wake up feeling worse. Mostly cause usually the kids wake me up, and that's never fun when you are trying to get rested up.

How do you sleep when your children sleep at different times? How am I suppose to rest when they don't even rest themselves? Or worse yet, when I have a whole list of things to tackle for the day, and no time to do it?

"NO!! Your missing the point, you not getting it."

I mean true rest, the kind of rest that only comes through Jesus

Margaret Feinberg said "Your desire for rest will never match God's desire to give you rest. He longs to renew you!"

God's desire is to give us the kind of rest that will sustain us through our day. But, we have to come to him. We have to ask for it, and then continue to lean on him for the peace that he so longs to give us.

The peace, that we are in his hands. The peace, that he is in control and knows what's best for us. He knows What's not in my playbook!

So as hard as it is day in and day out, I can rest. Maybe not physically, but spiritually I can have rest in the Peace of God

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. " Philippians 4:7

Just Let Go!!!

"What is God telling you today?"

I was reading a piece someone posted today and this was asked at the end. It made me think about my present situation.

I believe God is telling me to "Just let go..."

Let go of this stress I have. Let go of this baby I'm holding too close. Let go of this group of girls I hold so dear. Those knots that are tied up in my stomach... let go of those too! Those words that I allow to pierce my heart, those definitely need to go.

"Just let go... you can not carry this load... but my arms are big enough."

God's arms are open wide to me and all that I hold. I can not control the outcome of anything in this world. Therefore I do not have any need to hold on to anything that I carry,

I tend to make it my "Job" to control my environment. Or worse, let my environment control me. I let myself get carried away with something that means nothing at all in the end.

I can only control myself, and sometimes I don't even think I can handle that much. God has put me in these shoes because I fit them. I need to allow God to direct my steps.

Let go and let God

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Beginings of an ameateur

I've Thought many times about starting a blog. Not really sure what help it could give me, but I've always enjoyed journaling. So if no one else reads this at least my thoughts are out for all to see.

I've struggled a lot lately. Since my most recent Miscarriage, i fear I'm border line depressed. I know the Lord has my children that I've lost in his hands, but I have a hard time letting go.

Everyone around me thinks I'm fine. And in reality i am, God will see me through. But I still hurt. Seems I'm finding out everyday new people that are Pregnant right around when I would be due with my precious.

I feel selfish even thinking these thoughts, because I have two very precious daughters sleeping in the next room. They are so amazing and I am a mom. Something I was once told I would never be. We struggled with infertility, just like many people I know. We have suffered Four miscarriages now.

 I know what it feels like to wait and wait and wait... only to be disapointed when my period comes once again. I know what it is like to buy those clothes on the clearance rack, when you are so very early in your pregnancy, thinking "my baby if it is a boy will fit in to this at the right time". Only to pack those clothes away feeling like you will never actually use them. I know what it feels like to hold a newborn baby of a friend so dear, knowing that my child would have been this old. I know what it feels like to look at a toddler and think "My baby would have been learning to do that too". I know what it feels like to wonder what our family would be like if i had not lost my child.

Is it me?
Do i deserve this?
Have I brought it on myself?

The answers to these questions are a resounding "NO" I know this. However somehow i keep asking them. somehow i think I'll get a different answer. The reality of it all is God will see me through. He has chosen me to experience this. I don't understand why, i don't believe I ever will, but i will take it day by day trusting that God will give me the strength that I need to master this mountain.

In Him