Friday, June 29, 2012

A prisoner of sadness and pain

It's truly amazing to me how I can go most days living somewhat content with where God has me, and in a moments time all that seems like a distant memory. In a split second of time my mind is focused on all the pain and sadness. All in one instant I'm a selfish pile of slump, barely putting one foot in front of the other.

It is in these times I am so grateful for a God who cares. I am so thankful God has imbedded inside of me the desire to seek him in these hard times. I wish I had more faith and sought him immediately, but I suppose I'm a working progress in that respect.

I sat and prayed that what ever I read I could find some kind of comfort.

"So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God,
who has saved us and called us to a holy life- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,
but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.
And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher.
That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day."
2 Timothy 1: 8-12

So what is it that I have entrusted to him?

Forgive me Lord, for I have not entrusted my entire being to you this day. I let my sadness cloud my thoughts!

I don't know why I feel what I feel, I don't know why days have to be so hard. But I know God is bigger, and I don't have to rise above the pile of slump all by myself. I have a God I can trust in. A God who sees my pain and feels it before I do.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

How big are we really?

Jeremy and I enjoy watching this station that has alot of shows on history and creation (non biblical) and there was a show that had NASA scientists on talking about recent discoveries.These NASA Scientists are discovering new things about our galaxy, and even that there are many new Galaxys they don't even know exist.

On this show they were talking about Dark Matter. At first it creeped me out, sounded like they were talking about something evil. The reality was they didn't seem to know what it was themselves, they just had to give it a name. Basically this matter makes up 70% of our galaxy and they don't know what it is.

We also get this creation magazine and it has so many awesome stories in it. Scientists focused the Hubble telescope on one part of the sky that was dark, and let it focus for several days. After the time was up, they discovered that in that small spot there were ten thousand new Galaxys.

Also, scientists were researching the size of the galaxy and they had a theory saying that with the big bang happening, at some point the galaxy should be closing in on itself. However, that theory got blown to bits when they discovered it is actually growing at an even more rapid rate than before.

Made me smile and I think it makes God smile when he sees us trying to figure out his creation and I think he loves to stump those people we think are the smartest on earth. I truly think God has given these men and women job security with his creation. 

I think it amazing  when I look at God's smallest creatures, but the Galaxys? Wow, I'm in awe when I think of how big God's creation is, and how much bigger his is than all that he created.

I think the key to being in a place where God can use me, is in realizing just how small I really am in comparison to his entire creation. He hand made everything our scientists are still discovering(and will always try to understand). Yet, he made me in his image, he made me for a special purpose, for a higher calling. How many times do I question? How many times do I demand to know?

I should know by now, that a God that can create all this, surely knows whats best for me. So I will trust, I will follow him, and to the best of my ability, I will live my life pleasing to him.

Even the lady bugs!

"Mommy, Mommy, come quick, look... look,"

I hobbled my way over to where Lily was pointing, frantically, at the ground.

"It is a biigg lady bug mommy,"

Indeed it was a big lady bug. I know a couple that use to live in a house that would get overrun by ladybugs every year. Needless to say I'm not a fan of them in large quantities. I have to say though, I don't think I've ever seen one this large, it was fascinating. We were all bent down watching it and lily stood up,

"Mommy, where it come from?"

"Well honey, God made lady bugs, just like he made everything else in nature,"

"And me mommy?"

"Yes, and you." My heart grew for her, she has been learning so much.

"What are they for mommy?"

"I don't know what lady bugs do lily, but everything God creates has a purpose, even if we don't know what that is."

I got up and sat on the steps and watched as the girls ohhed and ahhed over this creature so small, yet so important in their eyes. Breia kept pointing at it saying,

"That eiee, That?"

I love it when she asks her big sister questions, its so heart warming.

"That's a lady bug, Bee,"

Breia did her little cooing thing that she does when she gets her answer and Lily went on...

"God made all this..." she was waving all around her now

"Even the lady bugs, mommy says so bee."

"Even the lady bugs," Such a profound statement, God created everything, even the lady bugs. Leave it to my daughter to have me realizing once again how marvelous God is.

He created me for this world, he designed me with his own hands. I've had a lot of time recently to just sit and marvel at what God has created. Everything has a purpose and, it is just all so wonderful. Have you ever just sat and thought how the tiniest creatures have their purpose? He created them to do work. They were created knowing what to do and how to do it. I think of how this world functions, right down to the smallest detail. God did that. I think it's easy to think how wonderful God's creation is, and forget that I was created in his image. How much more beautiful and amazing am I? He took special care in creating me. Who am I to judge or dis credit his creation.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Taking the reins!

Funny how things seem to work out, I would like to think I have something to do with it, but I know its all God.

I had the opportunity to ride in the big rig with Jeremy for the first time in almost two years. The girls have been staying at my mother's on and off on account it is so hard for me to get around. I knew it would be difficult to ride in the rig, but I also knew I needed this time with my husband, we don't get the chance to be alone... ever.

Anyway, I rode around with him for several hours and we came across a few Amish Buggys in our travels around Lewis county. Well, Jeremy knew the horses could get spooked as we drove by them, so he slowed down and eased passed them, hoping it would keep them from bucking. He was right, I could tell from far off that she was nervous already, she must have heard us. She had blinders on so she couldn't see us until we were right next to her. As we eased by her, she kept trying to turn so she could keep her eye on us. I was amazed at how spooked she was, for a moment she had no trust in her master, no trust in her lead. All she could think about was this big scary looking thing that was passing her. I watched even after we were by her she was nervous. Almost like she couldn't shake us off, she couldn't stop think about how much we had scared her.

Monday, June 11, 2012

It's a long road!

"You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go"

Words to a song radiating through my radio. The same radio that hardly picks up any stations, and both the volume and the tuner knobs are ripped off (one of them is actually chewed off by my youngest).

You might say I had this tragic thing happen to me. I've had a bum foot for three weeks now, and was told by the doctor I have a long road ahead of me. Even more tragic than that, I let myself get depressed about my situation. I was feeling so tired...

Tired of the crutches...
Tired of the pain...
Tired physically, getting no sleep at night...
Tired of looking at my dirty house...
Tired of feeling helpless...
Tired of feeling like a burden to my husband...
Tired of sending my children away...

I let the enemy come into my heart and tell me all these lies

"Your helpless,"
"You're a burden to everyone around you,"
"Your husband does not want to help you,"
"You have no one,"
"Your foot is always going to hurt,"

All lies straight from the pit. This was another test that I had failed. Was I going to give it all to him? Was I ready to let go of the plans I had for this summer?

I had dreams of what our summer would be and none of them consisted of me being laid up on the couch. I failed to let God be the ThE TrUe ARtisT of my summer.

So here I sit so wrapped up in this song that is telling me to Just Let Go.

Listen to those things around you, God is in it all, and he wants to speak to us, after all Father knows best!

I think it's time to listen to my own words. I've stopped writing recently, and I feel like I'm loosing a part of me. God has given me a new zest, bear with me as I put the pieces back together.